The Lint Screen

God & Guns

Written by

PD Scullin

in

A gun offers protection and makes a dandy bookmark.
In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.

So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.

It’s about time.

Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!

But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.

Pass the collection plate and pass the ammo, Sister!
Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.

Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.

Comments

7 responses to “God & Guns”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Ministers can fire off a few rounds when their congregations begin to fall asleep during boring sermons.

  2. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    I’ve read a bunch of the Good Book (not all of it) and people have read portions aloud to me, and I’ve never heard firearms mentioned. Not once. I wonder what God thinks about people bringing them to His/Her house, and what about the afterlife? Are they admissible in Heaven, Hell, and other places? This is darn confusing.

  3. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    I reckon if you show up at the Pearly Gates heavily armed, St. Peter will give you the go-ahead to come on in.

    But you do raise some interesting points, Bill. You must have been a theology major.

  4. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    You obviously haven’t read or heard the Revised Standard NRA Version of the Bible, Bill. In it, all firearms are deemed acceptable to God and His/Her followers, whether in God’s House of Worship on Sunday morning or the Devil’s Houses of Sin on Saturday night. There is no actual claim in the Revised Standard NRA Version of the Bible that firearms will be permitted in the afterlife, but one can assume a few of God’s followers will carry firearms into Heaven, especially if the Apocalypse/Rapture occurs, inasmuch as faux followers will have to be “culled from the herd,” as numerous theologians say in their scholarly books, in order to avoid overcrowding in the afterlife. If you don’t believe me, you can check it out on the Internet. Maybe on Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck’s websites. They cover this kind of stuff in detail, I’ve been told.

  5. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Thanks, Curvin, for being a solider of TRUTH!

  6. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Not only a soldier. Possibly a general. Even an archangel, though I haven’t tried out my wings lately.

  7. admin Avatar
    admin

    Not that I know, but I’ve been led to believe angel wings are one size fits all…

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