Presidents Day is more than just a reason for Pier 1, Bob’s Autorama, and Sports Authority to have sales, it’s also a time to fondly remember Washington, Lincoln and all the great men and woman who have led our country through good times and bad–– preferring the good times because the citizenry wasn’t nearly so whiny.
Here are some facts you may not know about some of our presidents.
1. In a drunken rage, President Franklin Pierce declared on September 4, 1856, “I’ll bet no one remembers diddly-squat about me in the future.” He was right.
2. President Benjamin Harrison was very proud of his magnificent facial hair, so much so, he gave his beard and mustache the nickname Harry McSofty and invited guests to run their fingers through it. If visitors would not take him up on his offer, Harrison would pout and mumble to himself until resistance was futile and strange fingers would comb through his thick facial brush. Harrison would be delighted and giggle like a school girl.
3. President Calvin Coolidge had a tail. He was embarrassed by the posterior growth, and had a girdle-like structure manufactured to contain it. However, witnesses report Coolidge had difficulty suppressing his tail from wagging when he received good news like, if he was a good boy there’d be beefy treats for an afternoon snack.
4. Rutherford B. Hayes was our only female president, although many believed her strong perfumes and ability to accessorize any outfit to be dead giveaways.
5. Chester A. Arthur was our vainest president. He always referred to himself in the third person saying things like, “Chester A. Arthur thinks this beef is stringy and tough as leather” and “Chester A. Arthur wishes the weather were warmer.” He was once asked by a small child what the “A” in his name stood for, to which the president snapped, “Chester A. Arthur believes children should be seen and not heard, you obnoxious little cur!” He then ordered the child to be executed by a firing squad. He thought better of it later, and magnanimously reduced the child’s punishment to four years of hard labor in a federal prison.
6. President Harry S. Truman kept a dead mouse in his left suit coat pocket. No one knows why, but he often asked heads of state for small pieces of cheese.
7. President Richard Nixon was known to drink heavily at night and make crank calls to other world leaders. Legend has it that he once drunk-dialed Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, disguised his voice and asked “Do you have Prince Albert in a can and is your refrigerator running and is I.C. Butz there?” Brezhnev recognized Nixon’s voice and told him to cut it out or he’d send over some nuclear warheads. Nixon hung up laughing, then hid under his desk in the Oval Office.
8. President Theodore Roosevelt was known for his love of the great outdoors. During his term as president, he stocked the White House with bears, elks, foxes, mountain lions and poisonous snakes. He would hunt the animals for relaxation and quick and delicious dinner menu ideas. TR holds the record for was our least-visited president while occupying the White House.
9. President James Polk was a nudist. His handlers had to chase, wrestle and dress him before any public appearance. Polk was proud of his physique and believed he had nothing to hide from the world. It was a constant battle to save the president from embarrassment during his presidential term.
10. President James Madison was our shortest leader, standing a mere five and a half inches tall. He wore lifts in his shoes so that he appeared to be 5’4″ in public.
11. President John Quincy Adams was a brilliant scientific man. He built a time machine and traveled to Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C. on April 14, 1865. He was sitting in President Abraham Lincoln’s seat when Lincoln arrived. The two men flipped a coin to see who would get the seat. Lincoln won the coin toss, and Adams went back to 1828. Adams would never know how close he came to being assassinated, and Lincoln would never know he unlucky he was when the penny he flipped came up “heads” with his face (which was really weird because the penny must have been from the future). Cruel, cruel irony, how you do torture us!
Happy Presidents Day, and be sure to take advantage of all the incredible savings at Pier 1!
Every fact presented here is bogus. Except for the one about Nixon calling Brezhnev. He called many, many world leaders at odd hours. Its a well-known fact, for example, that he once called Mao for a take-out order of General Tso’s Chicken. Playing along with the joke, Mao promised delivery within 15 minutes. When the chicken didn’t arrive, Henry Kissinger intervened, arranging a meeting between the two world leaders. The rest is history.
This is 99.9% rubbish!
Ah, but that 00.1% is irrefutable!
“Every fact presented here is bogus.”
OUTRAGEOUS!
Sir, I’ll have you know that the research department here at ‘The Lint Screen’ is second to none in its thoroughness and accuracy. We hardly ever make a mistake, except for that unfortunate boner about Stretch Armstrong being the first man to walk on the moon. Astute readers corrected us that it was Lance Armstrong, not the stretchy toy Armstrong.
I do appreciate your new Nixonian nugget. Asking Mao for General Tso’s sounds completely believable. The Trickster probably also requested spring rolls, “Easy on the heavy gauge wire.”
i think this is very interesting & quite weird- just explains how we are all different – goes further, regardless of anyone’s position, one can never hide their personality & character!
Rubbish! Certainly not. That classification would imply this assemblage of “facts” has no interest or value. This is more akin to balderdash or folderol. Further research might yield an association with poppycock or blarney.
“Rubbish” is such a harsh word.
Bill, I will certainly embrace balderdash, folderol, poppycock or blarney– if I must.
Or, better yet, how about “These facts are fascinating, interesting and 100% accurate and beyond reproach!”
That was what I was shooting for here…
When I pressed the “submit comment” button, I had this ominous feeling I’d missed something, or rather stepped in something of my own making that was stuck to my shoe. I get it now, and I’d like to un-submit my previous comment.
You could have published this news, and then ducked, caved in, or retracted bits as the Internet whiners fired salvos of criticism. Instead, you courageously stand firm on the bridge, weathering the barrage. You deserve admiration, not detractors.
“Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
Thanks, Bill. If you don’t mind, I’d rather keep your comment there as it’s so infrequently one trips across wonderful words like balderdash and folderol.
And I will certainly damn those damn torpedos!
True, Jen. So very true.
THE COMMENT ON YOUR WEB SITE SAYS RUTHERFORD B HAYES WAS OUR ONLY FEMALE
PRESIDENT. I HOPE IT IS A MISTAKE.
No, our fact checkers assure me it’s true. They also tell me wizards like to ride unicorns.
so funny, i love john quincy adams building a time machine in 1828 only to go 20 years into the future to watch a play in lincolns box, classic
Thanks, Jimmy. Please keep collecting Lint– it does a body and mind good.