The Lint Screen

Farmville Slaughter Suspect Released

Written by

PD Scullin

in

Innocent– for now!
The suspect taken into custody by Farmville authorities on Friday was released this morning.

In a prepared statement, Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said “The suspect hired a shiny-suited attorney who made the case for an alleged airtight alibi. I wasn’t buying it, but apparently the gullible judge was so stupid, he took the bait. Now the jailbird flies free!”

The alibi is that the suspect, Randy McNurty, lives in Second Life and has been involved with a performance art project whereby he is observed by others as he goes through the routine and drudgery of his second life. McNurty’s project has been surprisingly popular with thousands of avatars viewing his ‘life performance’ regularly on TV and are willing to vouch for the fact that the performance artist has not been in Farmville in the past year, when medical examiners determined the mass killing of 246 people took place. The horrendous gravesite was discovered in Farmville on March 3rd.

McNurty was quickly shuttled from the jail into a waiting limousine. His face was bleeding and severely bruised. Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said McNurty was probably clumsy and must have slipped and fell repeatedly during his stay at the Farmville crossbar hotel. The Chief was asked if authorities had any new leads or suspects in the case. “Yes,” he said gruffly, “anybody and everybody!” He walked away briskly discharging his gun into the air.

One happy byproduct of the tragedy is that the gravesite soil is rich in nutrients thanks to the decomposition of Farmville characters. Residents say the mass gravesite will be fertile ground for any crops and thus prime real estate for the upcoming planting season.

Comments

11 responses to “Farmville Slaughter Suspect Released”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I’ve always been told that Farmville characters are made of plastic, so how can the gravesite be filled with nutrients?

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    While Farmville residents seem plastic, when you spend some time with them over coffee or drinks, they open up and reveal themselves to be earthy, genuine and authentic.

    Yes, from the outside looking in they put on ‘airs’ and have noses in the sky, but they are kind, approachable, warm and fortunately very biodegradable.

  3. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    OK. I read on the Internet that Farmville is an imaginary place inside my cell phone. Right. I also read that spacemen landed in Roswell NM, drinking magnetic water improves your sex life, and Marlboro is owned by the Ku Klux Klan. I’m not buying any of it.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    Oh, Bill, do not be so suspicious. If it’s on the internet or on TV or print, you KNOW it’s true.

    At least that would explain why so many KKK members have hacking smoker coughs.

  5. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Bill, my best friend was born in Roswell, NM nine months after the alien “incident.” Her mom had a bit of a wandering eye, and my friend ended up being a theoretical mathematician.
    You explain that without spacemen in the story, Mr. Smartypants.

  6. Zelda Avatar
    Zelda

    He “slipped and fell?” Yeah, right. Did anyone consider the possibility that one of those plastic cows could have stepped on his face? Those Farmville cows don’t take kindly to being told to “Mooooove over,” when they’re trying to chew their cud in peace. And everyone knows that Police Chief Weatherthestorm just happens to own several cows in various states of alienimosity. Just sayin’…

  7. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Wow, as always, Lint readers peel back the curtain from conspiracy. Kitty, I think there is absolutely no explanation other than aliens to support how a wandering eye mother gave birth to theoretical mathematician son. By any chance, does he a love of Reese’s Pieces?

    And, Zelda, you may be on to something about the mayor, cows and a battered suspect. I would launch an investigation into this theory myself, but I fear for my life if I enter Farmville. That police chief is pretty cagey and has had it in for me ever since I burned his house down and stole all his assets from the bank.

    He’s touchy, that one!

  8. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    There are two Farmvilles in America. One of them in located in Virginia, the other in North Carolina. Which of the two is the one where the slaughter took place? I’ve always wanted to be a private eye. This could be a perfect way for me to break into the game.

  9. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Hmmm, not sure I know which Farmville is the correct answer. It’s the one where people waste their time on the interwebs.

    So, let’s see, the state of denial?

  10. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Oh, yeah… that state. I was there once and regretted the visit.

  11. admin Avatar
    admin

    The state of denial does great tourist traffic, despite having no marketing budget or catchy slogan.

    A true wonder, that!

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