1. St. Patrick never drank green beer
2. Although he wasn’t even Irish, St. Patrick wore a large button that read “Kiss Me I’m Irish”
3. St. Patrick wrote two hit songs, “’Tis 99 Bottles o’ Beer on The Wall” and “In Heaven There ‘tis No Beer, Ergo We Drink It Here”
4. On the first St. Patrick’s Day celebrated in Ireland, St. Patrick had the Irish Sea dyed vivid green then invented the game of beer pong
5. St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland and many centuries later, these same snakes were discovered on a plane by Samuel L. Jackson
6. Contrary to popular belief, St. Patrick never danced in a production of “Riverdance”
7. St. Patrick hated the scent of Irish Spring soap, feared leprechauns with their trickster ways and ironically was not a huge fan of parades, parties or crowded pubs– but you go and enjoy yourselves anyway.
8. He’d jump over ten naked women to get to the bar. ‘Tis why he made it to sainthood, my son.
Leave it to a saintly scholar to unearth more goodies on the beloved man. Thanks, Ms. K.
9. St. Patrick was molested by French monks, complained to the Pope, and finally sent to Ireland with orders to “keep his mouth shut”.
Whoa, that’s a big scoop!
Thanks, Bill.
(You’ll be hearing from the Vatican shortly…)
Two thoughts come to mind. The first is more or less serious. The second is completely frivolous.
First, the Irish have a right to get their Irish up every St. Patrick’s Day. Only about 12% of all Americans can trace part of their ancestry to Ireland.
Nonetheless, every St. Patrick’s Day a raucous crowd of “amateur” Irish usurp our day, drinking vast quantities of Harp, Guinness, Smithwick’s, O’Hara’s, Caffney’s, Beamish, Murphy’s, Bushmills, Connemara, Slaney Malt, Shanahans, Suir Peated Malt, Tullamore Dew and Tyrconnell, sometimes plain old Budweiser colored green just for the day.
So many of these amateur Irish sing our songs as they stagger down the street and fall into gutters, often befouling the green they wear with the corned beef and cabbage they just ate.
Do any of them know anything at all about Ireland? How, for example, the Irish saved civilization during the period between the fall of Rome to the rise of Medieval Europe, as the scholar Thomas Cahill has pointed out? Do they know the lyrical power of James Joyce or that June 16th, Bloomsday, is as important to the Irish as March 17th? Have they ever heard of Samuel Beckett?
Here’s the frivolous thought. Or maybe it’s not so frivolous since it could result in a windfall profit for me.
St. Patrick died on March 17th, supposedly in the year 493. Though he was a deeply religious man who converted the Irish from their pagan beliefs, using the shamrock as a symbol of the Holy Trinity, during his life St. Patrick was often lonely, and his loneliness drove him, as loneliness often does, to the arms of a woman, in his case a young woman by the name of Sinead O’Rahilly (AKA O’Riley, O’Reilly, O’Rielly). Their affaire de coeur is little known, of course, but it resulted in the birth of a child, Brian.
Countless generations have passed since Brian O’Rahilly’s birth. No one in the O’Rahilly, O’Riley, O’Reilly or O’Rielly family has ever stepped forward to claim rights to their ancient paternal heritage, i.e., ownership of the St. Patrick’s Day franchise, which would seem to me to be quite valuable, even if all we’re paid is a small royalty.
I may hire a lawyer.
You may have blown the lid off this whole shebang!
Your first point is very well taken. The holiday has become like Halloween– an excuse to get wasted and act silly.
If you’re right about you’re being the fruit of St. Patrick’s loin, your royalties from beer companies alone would be staggering. As staggering as those leaving the bars dressed in green walking through puddles of sick.
I’ve always thought you a saintly sort. Maybe you’ve the pedigree to match.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Curvin. Raise a glass to your forefather sugar daddy.
Curvin,
What a wily and wondrous tale you’ve spun. I suspect sometime in your past you kissed the Blarney Stone. I made the attempt myself, but as I aimed my lips I spied the purple lip-sticked impression of a previous smoocher and my kissing blow merely glanced against the stone. Since then my ability to control the English language has ebbed and flowed like tidal wavelets in Raritan Bay just above Keansburg on a Saturday afternoon in the rain.
You should act fast on the St. Patrick/Rielly scheme. I spoke to John Rielly, an old high school pal, and he doesn’t have a clue, so you’re one up on him but you should worry about the other 200 million Riellys around the world.
Have a happy St. Patrick’s/Rielly Day.
Tomorrow will be the last St. Patrick’s Day you’ll be able to celebrate without paying me a royalty, assuming the lawyer I’ll be speaking with on Friday can wrap up my rightful ownership of the St. Patrick’s Day franchise. Enjoy the day!
I sincerely hope you have excellent legal representation, Curvin.
FYI– the very best attorneys have billboards with large photos of their face and headlines like “I’m on your side” or “I’m in your corner” or simply “Sue the bastards!”
I hired John Edwards. He’s slick, slimy and has been successful in past cases. And right now, I’m all he’s got. It’s good to have a lawyer who sees you as possibly his last chance to redeem himself.
Good choice, John Edwards. He also has a great head of hair. Your best lawyers always do, you know.
Advise you to avoid late night consultations with legal counsel, however. JE has a bit of a reputation.
Met with John Edwards. Thought you’d like to hear the update. The man definitely has a convincing lawyerly way about him. Could be the hair. Not sure. He mentioned a few strategies he might follow in my case, which were good, but he tried to pull a fast one. Told me his “friend,” Rielle Hunter, ought to have a piece of the St. Patrick’s Day franchise action. I told him the truth. First, that I wasn’t born yesterday. Furthermore, that I knew Rielle was known as Lisa Jo Druck at birth and has also been known as Lisa Hunter, Lisa Jo Hunter and Rielle Jaya James Druck. I had him, and he knew it. As a true North Carolinian, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, shut my mouth.”
Hmmm, I suggest you keep a chain on your wallet and a padlock on your wristwatch.
Edwards sounds like he may be a slickster and might be setting you up for the ol’ ‘take another slice out of the pie’ scam. It’s a common ploy they teach in your better law schools– just keep adding more folks to the lawsuit and taking a cut of their action.
I’m sure you’ve got him on his heels now, but you best be careful! This guy’s good, and he probably has a lot of ‘friends.’
He’s burned all his bridges.
You might consider hiring him to sue him.
He’s history in my book. Everywhere else, too.
Jeez, I thought you were better than posting a rerun.
I wear a ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ button every day. Is that weird?
I wasn’t posting this as fresh, Curvin, merely broadcasting it on the ol’ social network from the archives for those who may have missed it.
No, Gary, there is nothing “weird” about that. Just wear a condom on your lips or wax lips. Can’t ever be too careful.
Thanks for bringing the words of dear Curvin to life.
He was a cherished contributor to TLS commentary. He is missed.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, lovely Miss Kitty!
Great to hear dad’s voice again. Sure do miss him. Wish he could have corned beef with us tonight! – Kirstin
I miss his voice also. Fortunately, he lives on in his witty commentary on this site.
Best wishes to you and your family.