I recently flew to Orlando International Airport (MCO) for commercial production in town, and I’m here to tell you these folks got game.
Orlando is the home of Disney World, Universal Theme Park, Sea World and more casual dining chain restaurants than you can shake a stick at (although I seriously doubt an attacking casual restaurant would back down from a shaking stick). Orlando is all about having fun and magic, and the airport security TSA team does not disappoint.
Rather than employ traditional TSA uniforms, the security personnel wear soft character costumes of large bloodhound dogs with floppy ears and three-fingered paws, female muskrats adorned in yellow bonnets and large groundhogs with M-16 rifles. The lovable characters speak in comical, approachable and engaging tones. The fluffy, furry bloodhound says,“Hello, friend, my name is Snoopy Doodles and I want to make your security screening as fun, memorable and magical as possible. Now, I am going to run my paws all over your body, being extra careful not to touch your Satanic naughty parts…”
Snoopy Doodles proceeded to glide his soft paws all over my body as he hummed a happy tune. For added comfort, the paws are heated and vibrate softly. As he gave me the once over, Snoopy Doodles began to sing to me.
“Oh, you’re so special
and I deeply care
I need to know
what’s in your underwear
My paws on your body
are to be lightly kissed
for I must make sure
you’re not a terrorist!”
When the security check was finished, Snoopy Doddles and his cohorts Maggie Muskrat and Gary Groundhog began dancing and singing.
“He has no explosive residue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!
Next, a troop of mimes pretend to be in boxes, but suddenly become free and explore their spaces as clowns on unicycles ride in a large circle juggling metal detector wands. Everyone (save the mimes) begins to sing in unison:
“He’s an American, who’s true blue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!”
A flock of white doves were released, as a marching band escorted me to the train for the terminal. It was quite a production and I have to say a magical experience that I’ll never forget. I even purchased the souvenir security check photo for $21.95 as a keepsake.
Impressive, MCO, very impressive! If you had Carl from Phoenix, the friendliest TSA agent I’ve ever had the pleasure of being felt-up by, I think you’d have a true blockbuster.
What a show it must have been! And to find out at the end that you were free to go, that must have been great. But I bet you didn’t, did you? Go, that is. I bet you stood there waiting for the next show. Or maybe you even went out the exit and came through again for another performance. The souvenir photo sounds nice, by the way, even though $21.95 seems a little pricey. For a few dollars more, you probably could have picked up a security check DVD to show the folks at home what you had experienced. I don’t plan on visiting Orlando or Phoenix in the near future – anywhere else for that matter – but when I do travel, I’m going to make sure my travel agent routes me through both airports. It’ll mean a longer journey, of course, but I can spare the time and I can use the excitement. Quick question: Are TSA security agents funded by federal tax dollars? If so, I hope the Tea Party doesn’t try to cut the TSA budget. Travelers need the kinds of joyful experiences you’ve described. They’re exactly what keeps our great country ahead of places like Europe. If we fall behind in this area, as you know, our children and grandchildren will pay the price for years to come.
Afraid the commemorative DVD of the Snoopy Doodles security show was a whopping $34.95. Couldn’t spare the scratch. I needed it for Starbucks.
I believe that TSA is part of the motherland’s HOMELAND SECURITY initiative, the biggest waste of tax money and government expansion ever conceived given that I’m not sure it’s very effective. Seems every time they test it, the goon squad fails miserably.
Is TSA entertaining, yes.
Effective, ummmm….
Hey Patrick, I’m planning a trip to New York. If it’s not too much trouble, would you go ahead and fly into LaGuardia and tell me how you’re treated by the TSA? Thanks.
Bill, I’d love to help but afraid I have to go next week to see what kind of show they’re putting on in LAX.
When you go to NYC, see if their security personnel wear CATS costumes.
If so, beg them not to sing.
Safe travels!
Bill,
My sources in NYC tell me that TSA personnel at LaGuardia are wearing “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark” costumes and also performing some truly amazing aerial stuntwork during pat downs of passengers. The staging has been choreographed by Julie Taymor, the talented woman who achieved so much success with “The Lion King.” The TSA turned to Ms. Taymor, even though she was recently fired by producers of the Broadway version of the “Spiderman” epic, because, as Patrick has reported, the TSA is working hard to improve the traveling experience in the U.S. FYI: Travelers who suffer from acute arachnophobia have been advised to use the Kennedy or Newark airports.
Curvin, if your report is accurate, as I’m sure it is, I assume Bono and The Edge created the music. Fabulous!
The only bump may be the TSA agents getting hurt. That show takes a toll.