The Lint Screen

Royal Marriage On the Rocks

Written by

PD Scullin

in

Trouble in paradise? The scene following the Royal row.
It appears the storybook wedding of a commoner to a prince may be over almost as soon as it began. The rumor mills are working overtime that the marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William is on the rocks, or to quote Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, “Kaputsville. She’s shutting the dude down.”

Embedded The Lint Screen reporters say the following exchange took place in a love nest the couple shared following their wedding ceremony.

(CAST: Prince William–PW, Kate Middleton–KM)
PW: I say, my angel-love, these crumpets are quite lovely. Each morsel is absolutely divine. Heavenly, I must say!
KM: Enough of your incessant chatter, you twit, I can’t take it any longer! Could you possibly be quiet for just one moment, or do you never tire of hearing your incessant blathering?!
PW: My word, lovee, whatever is it? Are you feeling out of sorts?
KM: Out of sorts?! Oh, that’s rich! Me, out of sorts. (Affecting a Cockney accent) Shall I polish your silver, guv’nor. Do the family jewels need attending to? How might I be of service to you, m’lord?!
PW: Good heavens, Katie-wait-waits, whatever has you on edge?
KM: Are the cameras off, then, Billy-boy? Am I done with the pageantry blushing bride business? Might I finally let my knickers down, then?
PW: Please, Kate, there’s no need for courseness.
KM: Enough. I cannot, I will not be trapped like this. I want to be free! I want to soar, I want to live, I want to dance! I want to laugh by the moonlight and kiss the sunrise! I want to feel cool mud between my toes and bask in the warmth of a dead moose carcass…
PW: What was that, dear? I was texting Henry and I’m afraid I missed what you just said…
KM: Then hear this– I’m done!
(SFX: Smashing glassware, frustrated female screams and subdued sounds of a man sobbing uncontrollably.)

Royal watchers are concerned for where this marriage may be heading. Others report it is typical to begin a healthy marriage with a healthy row, followed by decades of suppressed anger and festering rage.

Time will tell.

Comments

18 responses to “Royal Marriage On the Rocks”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I can understand why they might be on edge. They’ve never lived together, after all, and settling in as a young married couple is always difficult. I hope they didn’t break the Pyrex casserole bowls I sent. A nice casserole dinner, maybe something as simple as macaroni and cheese, could be exactly what the couple needs. I should have included a casserole cookbook. Do you think it’s too late to send one? Would the Queen think that I’m meddling by trying to hold the marriage together with good old fashioned American casserole recipes?

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Curvin, you have to do what you think is right. If you believe a good mac ‘n cheese might bind this couple back together, by all means send the cookbook. The Queen may get upset, that is her way, but so be it.

    In times like this, doing the right thing is more important than doing the ‘proper’ thing.

    Perhaps you could melt the old girl a bit if you sent her a crock pot. Worth a try, I think.

  3. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Send the Queen a crock pot? What a brilliant idea! As long as you don’t think she’d regard me as some sort of crackpot, that is. What’s the protocol for sending a gift to the Queen? I suppose I can look it up on Google. There’s probably even a list of the things she’d like to receive. One item I’m sure she’d like, since all of Britain is tightening its belt economically, is a Costco membership. With the Royal family having to host so many state dinners, buying in bulk makes good sense.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    A membership in Costco could very well earn you a knighthood.

    As for protocol, I think I nice gesture would be to whip up a batch of Swedish meatballs, duct tape the lid firmly on the crockpot, bubble wrap it, box and ship. She’ll love opening up a present with meaty orbs of deliciousness!

  5. admin Avatar
    admin

    BTW, I think Miss Manners would approve.

  6. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Swedish Smedish. Get your meatballs from Modern Meats, or better yet, mini-heart-shaped love roastettes. Shame, Patrick! Where’s your brand loyalty?

  7. admin Avatar
    admin

    Kitty– all my meats are ALWAYS Modern Meats. The Modern Meats “Gently Aged This & That” blend is a mainstay for any meatball recipe. I also love it for Sloppy Joes and noodle-rama-obama-koodama-bama-mama!

    And as much as I love your mini-heart-shaped love roastettes, I fear that they would lose their romantic shapes in the crock pot on the long trip across the pond and arrive as a pot of deliciously gooey meat products.

    In short, rest assured, Ms. K., I am ALWAYS brand loyal to Modern Meats!

  8. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    For sure I’m going to send the Queen a Costco membership, along with the crock pot. I’m not convinced that I should send Swedish meatballs. How about shepherd’s pie? That’s a favorite with the Brits. And I could use Modern Meats in it. As for sending a gift of Modern Meats’ mini-hear-shaped love roastettes, I’ve decided it’s probably ideal for the young Prince and his bride, though they may not be ready for such a treat, especially if young love has vanished and they’re already at war. Maybe I’ll send the gift to the Middleton household. Ms. Pippa looked a little skinny at the Royal wedding. To go with the Modern Meats roastettes, I’ll include a large sack of potatoes.

  9. admin Avatar
    admin

    “Potatoes,” you say? I do believe you may have just found a great side line for Modern Meats to carry!

    You truly are a marketing maven.

    Kitty, begin writing the big checks for consulting services.

  10. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I’ve heard that Ms. Kitty sleeps with Modern Meats’ MarCom director. He’s a brilliant man who’s led Modern Meats into the red for 25 years. Surely he’ll see the wisdom of potatoes as a side business. Pippa Middleton, Kate’s sister, is an attractive young woman. Perhaps she’d be willing to lend her name (“Pippa’s Potatoes”) and also serve as global spokesperson.

  11. admin Avatar
    admin

    On the basis of this brilliant thinking, perhaps Ms. Kitty should consider a new MarCom director for Modern Meats.

    “Pippa’s Potatoes” is a big idea that could sell like hotcakes at a lumberjack convention.

    Bravo!

  12. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    The MarCom director at Modern Meats has been there for 25 years. He’s almost a member of the family. If he doesn’t go with “Pippa’s Potatoes,” however, let’s see how long the family puts up with him.

    You ready for another marketing breakthrough? How does “Pippa’s Pizza” grab you? In my mind’s eye, I see a global chain of them, not to mention packaged pizzas in the freezer section of supermarkets everywhere.

    Jump on board! This one is a can’t-miss!

  13. admin Avatar
    admin

    “Pippa” could very well be the next Chef Boyardee (real name–– Chef Yummilicious)!

    I think you’re on to something huge, Curvin, and if the Modern Meats people have half a brain they’ll jump on your band wagon toot sweet.

  14. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    No calls or emails from Modern Meats so far. May have to take the idea to Yum! Brands. With a name like Yum! and brands like A&W, KFC. Long John Silver’s, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, you know they know food.

  15. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Yum may acquire Modern Meats to source some meaty substances for Taco Bell.

  16. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    As our MarCom Director often points out to me, personally, but also as a truism in life, “everything is for sale.” When speaking to me personally, it’s more along the lines of “every body is for sale,” but that is not the point here. If Yum brands writes a big check, admin and O’Rielly can expect big consulting checks from MM, but I may hold O’Rielly’s in check, so to speak, as he has a propensity for playing the ponies.
    Mmm, mmm, ponies. Them’s some good eatin’.
    The potato idea has been sent to focus groups, except for the group containing Dan Quayle, where the potatoe idea is being kicked around.

  17. admin Avatar
    admin

    I’m just spitballin’ here, but “Pippa’s Pony Delight” could be a huge seller for Modern Meats and whoever owns it.

    Always trust your focus groups– they have focus!

  18. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Dan “Spuds” Quayle invited to focus groups? That’s a good one!

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