The Lint Screen

LeBron Wants To Play For Mavs

Written by

PD Scullin

in

He’s fed up playing with losers. LeBron wants a ring.

In an exclusive The Lint Screen interview, Miami Heat megastar LeBron James said he wants to play for the Dallas Mavericks next year. The Mavericks beat the Heat on Sunday to become the NBA’s championship team.

“LeBron is a champion,” said James who recently began referring to himself in the third person for dramatic effect, “and LeBron deserves to play for a championship team. LeBron left Cleveland for Miami to be a champion, but that was a failed experiment. LeBron is very disappointed in the crappy performance of his teammates. They disappointed LeBron and his finger feels naked with no championship ring. LeBron liked what he saw of the Mavericks and thinks he can be happy there, so LeBron is open to moving again. If Dallas makes LeBron an incredible offer, LeBron will get an hour TV special and contemplate it, then give his decision. That is how LeBron rolls.”

There were no comments from Mavericks officials, but Miami fans wish him the worst.

Comments

26 responses to “LeBron Wants To Play For Mavs”

  1. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Forwarded to Mark Cuban for comment. He said, “That Scullin guy is pretty funny. Oh, and tell LeBron he can go %#&$ his third person self.”

  2. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    An open letter to Le Bron James from Curvin O’Rielly:

    Curvin can understand why Le Bron wanted to leave Cleveland, Le Bron.

    Many, many years ago, Curvin was born in the Cleveland area. At age four, Le Bron, Curvin knew that Curvin would never win an NBA championship ring in Cleveland, so Curvin begged Curvin’s parents to take Curvin to a different city, even trade Curvin to another family, an NBA family with a winning, championship record.

    Curvin’s father, a wise man, broke the truth to Curvin one night in a manly heart-to-heart that Curvin has never forgotten, mainly because there was so much truth in the conversation and also because Curvin’s father seemed to know so much about what was going to happen in the future.

    “Curvin,” Curvin’s father said, “there is no NBA. And there won’t be one for another two years. And then it won’t actually be the NBA, by the way. It’ll be the Basketball Association of America, not changing its name to the NBA until 1949. You’ll be eight years old then. But even if the NBA happened to be around right now, Curvin has to remember that Curvin is only four years old, so Curvin would have to be a basketball prodigy to be a megastar. As for Cleveland having an NBA franchise, that won’t happen until 1970, Curvin. Eventually a hotshot named Le Bron, a young man from Akron, will come along. Clevelanders will adore him and call him the ‘Chosen One.’ And then, Curvin, Le Bron will suddenly leave the Rust Belt for Miami’s South Beach. Le Bron will no longer be venerated in Cleveland but instead hated intensely.”

    That’s the story that Curvin’s dad told Curvin, Le Bron.

    It should be said, of course, that Curvin never became a basketball prodigy in Cleveland or anywhere else. Curvin never grew taller than 5’10” and never learned how to play basketball, first because Curvin was uncoordinated and also because Curvin always worn thick glasses that steamed up when Curvin got Curvin’s low-grade version of b-ball going in grade school.

    Except for those few details, Le Bron, the Curvin story is vastly different from the Le Bron story.

    When Curvin left the Cleveland area at age four, for example, Curvin didn’t break the hearts of Clevelanders. During Curvin’s life and career, as Le Bron has, Curvin never promised overnight miracles, even though Curvin delivered a few of them here and there. Unlike Le Bron, Curvin never got into the boorish habit of tossing glitter whenever Curvin made an appearance. (What’s that about, anyway?) When Curvin’s teams found themselves between the rock and a hard place, Curvin generally came through one way or another. Finally, Curvin was never a whiner, never made excuses and never looked like a doofus when, as happens on occasion in life, Curvin and Curvin’s team came up short.

    How badly does Le Bron want an NBA championship ring, Le Bron? Curvin believes that Le Bron can probably find one on eBay.

    Meanwhile, Le Bron should spend less time working on the Le Bron brand and more time working on the Le Bron game. Le Bron is “a special talent, a force of nature with great court vision,” Curvin read in a New York Times article, but, as the article said, it is now time for Le Bron to grow. “A player of Le Bron’s size and strength should have a better post game, at least one go-to move,” the article said. Le Bron needs to look at Le Bron’s midrange pull-up jumper, according to the article, and improve Le Bron’s ball handling under pressure.

  3. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Kitty, kindly tell Mr. Cuban he makes a great sandwich.

    Curvin, your tale is a heartbreaking one. If only you had freakish height, speed, agility, shot making prowess and powerful moves to the hoop, you coulda been a contender in b-ball.

    But you did make, and are, one hell of an adman. That’s got to count for something in this kooky world.

    So there, Lebron!

  4. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Mr. Cuban makes a sandwich?

    Curvin always thought Mr. Cuban made cigars!

    (Curvin will soon give up speaking in the third person. At the moment, Curvin can only say that Curvin is third-person obsessed.)

  5. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I’m finished with speaking and writing in the third person.

    There’s a book by Scott Raab, a disgruntled Cleveland sports fan, coming out in November. “The Whore of Akron: One Man’s Search for the Soul of LeBron James.”

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/15/sports/basketball/lebron-jamess-worst-fan-has-a-book-deal-and-a-happy-ending.html?ref=sports

  6. admin Avatar
    admin

    Cuban’s doing cigars AND sandwiches? That guy is good. Does he brew a beer?

  7. admin Avatar
    admin

    “Disgruntled Cleveland sports fan” is redundant. Having been born and raised in that part of the world, I know of no other kind of Cleveland sports fan. I have been, am I one– but casually… to save my life’s energy.

    It’s perfect poetic justice that Miami got shafted since it was the Florida Marlins who loaded their ranks with monied players and busted the Cleveland Indians on their grab for the World Series Championship in 1997. The Tribe was so close, so very close. It still hurts to think about it.

    That guy’s book looks pretty great. Thanks for the hook-up, Curvin, and for directing to the NYT spelling of LeBron. Some reports list the spelling as “Lebron”– but I will go with the Times style. They usually do a good job with such things.

  8. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    There are about 5 million people in the greater Cleveland area, though calling it “the greater Cleveland area” may be an overstatement.

    Let’s say, for sake of argument, that half of them are not only sentient and literate but also have the financial wherewithal to buy a book. Thus, when “The Whore of Akron: One Man’s Search for the Soul of LeBron James” is published in November, it’s going to be a mega-selling blockbuster, all the more so when you add the millions of other people in the US who’ve jumped on the by-now very crowded LeBron-hating bandwagon. Lapsing back into the third-person, LeBron’s going to rue the day LeBron decided to move LeBron’s butt to South Beach.

    As for Mr. Cuban’s enterprises, I’m only aware of his ownership of the Dallas Mavericks and his cigars, i.e., the Cuban cigars people who smoke cigars seem to favor above all others. (Little known fact: When I started the Jell-O pudding campaign starring Bill Cosby – I wrote the first 14 commercials in the campaign – a tacit part of the contract with him was that he’d be provided Cuban cigars during each and every shoot. Funny how one box was never enough.)

    If Mr. Cuban is Cuban-American – maybe he is, maybe he isn’t – there may be some irony in the fact that Miami, the home of the Heat, is also the home of something like one million Cuban-Americans.

  9. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    I suspect just about any book with a title like his will do well. Bestseller, for sure.

    I’ve heard stories about what a whore for wardrobe, freebies and shoot perks Bill Cosby was (and perhaps still is). I doubt a big bowl of Lime Jell-O was one of the things he wanted to keep.

    And you’re right, if Mr. Cuban is Cuban-American, it’s a perfect ironic sucker punch to the Miami people.

    Thanks for the rich color commentary, as always, Curvin.

  10. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Color commentary is my job, Patrick. One of these days I’ll collect a paycheck providing it. Not on The Lint Screen, of course, because I realize you run a tight ship and your profit margins are slim.

  11. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    True. Our accountants tell us revenue is up 100%– to $0.

    Down 100% from last quarter, when it was 0.

    I may need some new financial folks.

  12. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Maintaining a positive cash flow is hell, ain’t it?

    Have you ever thought of reaching out to the federal government?

    The Lint Screen probably doesn’t qualify for Troubled Asset Relief Program assistance since it’d be difficult to make the case that it’s “too big to fail.”

    If headquarters of The Lint Screen is anywhere near an area that’s had a recent natural disaster, even remotely so, there’s always the Federal Emergency Management Agency. They might give you a few bucks and a trailer.

    You could also try the Small Business Administration even though The Lint Screen probably isn’t a business and the SBA requires small businesses to fill out a mountain of forms before they cough up any cash.

    I wouldn’t overlook the Central Intelligence Agency, the National Security Agency and the Department of Defense. Halliburton and other companies get a small fortune from all these federal agencies.

    Securing funds from any of these federal entities might be difficult to justify. Maybe, though, you could tell them that The Lint Screen could be used as a means to communicate with covert operatives in various regions of the world. You’d have to teach yourself how to write coded messages, but how tough would that be? For sure it wouldn’t be more difficult than writing humorously!

    Since you’re in advertising, you may want to contact the American Association of Advertising Agencies. Could be there’s a slush fund in their budget.

    The AAAA reminds me of AAA or AA.

    If you drive and belong to the American Automobile Association, maybe they’ll come and tow your blog out of the metaphorical ditch.

    If you drink to excess or have ever done so, Alcoholics Anonymous would certainly come to your rescue because they probably wouldn’t want you to plunge so far down in the dumps that you’d crawl into a bottle.

    These are only suggestions, of course. The real financial expert is Ms. Kitty. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll come up with some actionable answers.

  13. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    Patrick, all your fans are waiting for your response to #12. You’ve got your work cut out for you.

  14. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    After being a financial adviser for (primarily) creatives in advertising and film, I will throw in my proverbial two cents.
    1. It’s hell working with creative people. Sorry. It’s just that they do things like try to divide by zero.
    2. Monetizing creative pursuits was successful for my clients only after extricating themselves from advertising or film. Since you’re still an ad man, that probably curses your creative endeavors.
    3. I’m trying to pitch a film and a few tv shows, and if I do get the money together, I’m unlikely to share.
    4. You have to pay me to hear the rest. Or at least stop trying to divide by zero.
    Your friend with a pet name,
    Kitty

  15. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Well, it looks like I’ll soon be selling pencils on the street corner.

    Ms. K., math was never my strong suit. I had a mean nun terrorize me in grade school. She’d grill me on simple math questions like “what’s six times nine?” I’d be terrified and say, “53”– she’d repeat the question louder, with anger and contempt in her voice. I’d answer “53?” She’s ask again, LOUDER, with veins popping from her neck and forehead. I’d quietly say, “52?” She’d haul off and slap me in the face. I’d laugh, I wasn’t going to let her get into my grille like that. She’d call me an idiot and order me to sit. And that scene played out quite a few times that school year.

    That’s how one comes to divide by 0. I call it nun math.

    Mr. Curvin, I like the way you’re thinking. A share of federal dole seems an ideal plan. If I could get some defense money, I’d be on easy street. I could maybe make the case The Lint Screen reduces the threat of terrorism with its sharp wit that keeps the enemy at bay. Heck, we’ve been pretty safe for three years since The Lint Screen started. 1 + 1 often does equal 2, even by nun math standards.

    Maybe I could get one of those arts grants.

    I’ll also happily accept any funds from any organization with an A.
    A.
    AA.
    AAA.
    AAAA.
    AAAAA-Insurance.
    AAAAAA Plumbing.

    You get the drift.

    Thanks Curvin & Ms. K. for your invaluable advice.

    C’mon, government, daddy needs a pop!

  16. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Your grade school teacher undoubtedly committed a variety of mortal sins in addition to the ones you mentioned, and is therefore burning for eternity next to the people who ate meat on Friday before it was okay.
    Have you looked into Social Security disability payments for post-grade school trauma? I hear there’s a boatload of money for little boys who went to Catholic school.

  17. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Inasmuch as the cause-and-effect relationship of corporal punishment is so difficult to ascertain and measure later in life, I’ve heard that Social Security has clamped down on disability payments for PGST victims, which is a damn shame.

    You started out by talking about LeBron. Well, LeBron’s image in the crapper and will be there for a while. So perhaps LeBron would be interested in a LeBron makeover. You could call. What’s the worst that can happen? That he won’t answer? That he’ll turn you down? Hey, you’re an ad man. Lots of clients haven’t answered your calls. And lots of them have turned you down.

    Before you make the call, by the way, organize your thoughts. Maybe build a case, including PowerPoint slides, for why The Lint Screen Image Reformation System and Management Program® would work.

    You could also call Arnold Schwarzenegger and Andrew Weiner.

  18. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    You could also call Newt Gingrich, but he wouldn’t listen. He already knows everything.

  19. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    You could also call Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann. For that matter, any Republican who’s running for POTUS. That would exclude Donald Trump. He’s no longer a candidate. In his case, it’s unlikely that The Lint Screen Image Reformation and Management Program® would do a bit of good. (You could give him a few free tips about his hair.)

  20. admin Avatar
    admin

    Good gravy– you people have more ideas than Walt Disney on acid! And the ideas you have are all crackerjack (unlike Walt’s boneheaded idea of Pluto– a talking dog is just idiotic).

    Kitty, I was licking my financial chops as I read of your brilliant angle of disability payments for PGST victims, but those happy thoughts were dashed by Curvin’s information that the money faucet had been shut down. My spirits were crushed like grape catching the fall of an anvil.

    THEN, Curvin developed the ingenious The Lint Screen Image Reformation System and Management Program® using some innovative technique called “PowerPoint” that would enable me to help LeBron. He could afford to pay me buttloads of money since he probably makes $35K or more a year.

    Bill suggested I not waste my time trying to assist Newt, which is a pity since I had a pretty terrific idea that the pudgy pol change his name to “Salamander”– it would give him new appeal in the run for the White House. So thanks, Bill, for saving me a trip down a dead end.

    Curvin came to my rescue (yet again) by suggesting a few other folks who could use The Lint Screen Image Reformation System and Management Program® (since he developed it, I suppose I’ll have to fork over to Curvin a hefty development fee of 2-3% gross revenue).

    Curvin’s idea was like the proverbial Hail Mary play to lift my spirits, but when I thought of “Hail Mary” my mind drifted back to those days of being taught nun math and I slipped over the emotional edge into despair, anger, resentment, bitterness, resignation and eventually, hopelessness. What a pity there’s no longer disability payments for PGST victims!

    Wait, what’s this– a Tweet from some fellow named A. Weiner… let me see if THIS lifts my spirits.

    No. No, it did not.

    Thanks to all you great advisors. Daddy will just need a little time to get out of this rut. Maybe I should look at that “PowerPoint” thingy.

  21. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    The software engineer who wrote PowerPoint for Microsoft lives across the street from me, and of course, math dorks always become friendly. Lemme know if you want him to give you a hand but (but you must promise not to tell him you divide by zero or enjoy Weiner tweets).

  22. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    You travel in swanky circles, Ms. K.

    Yes, I may need some tech help as I develop this newfangled service.

    Tell the egghead I may be cracking his head.

  23. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Any neighbor smart enough to write Microsoft’s PowerPoint code, Ms. Kitty, is a neighbor worth getting to know. Especially since he’s probably as rich as the Pope.

  24. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Ms. Kitty…
    Does your neighbor wear a white beanie, a long white robe and red slippers? That would be a sure sign that he’s rich as the Pope.

  25. admin Avatar
    admin

    Does he drive a Pope Mobile? That’s another sign of wealth.

  26. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Does the favorite room in his house have a painted ceiling?

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