In a world exclusive, The Lint Screen is pleased to present it in its entirety. (NOTE: The original list was in the angry kook’s handwriting, which was atrocious, on note paper that had leprechauns riding unicorns beneath vibrant-colored rainbows.)
OSAMA BIN LADEN’S SECRET BUCKET LIST
TOP SECRET!!!
DON’T READ– THIS MEANS YOU!!!!
SERIOUSLY, DON’T READ THIS!
1. To play Nathan Detroit in a Broadway production of “Guys And Dolls” or Tony in “West Side Story.” I know I can nail “Somewhere.”
2. Enroll in DeVry and get that degree in neuroscience or vinyl repair.
3. Eat 24 White Castles.
4. Get some killer porn– something with Debbie Reynolds maybe.
5. Start a new terrorist club: The Carefree Kidz
6. See the Grand Canyon. Blow it up.
7. Get a better driver’s license picture, one that doesn’t make me look so fat.
8. Appear on “Dancing With Stars,” tango like there’s no tomorrow.
9. Guest host for Leno.
10. Direct a feature.
11. Shake hands with Bono, sing “Pride: In The Name of Love.”
12. Defy gravity just once.
13. See Eiffel Tower. Blow it up.
14. Learn some bitchin’ guitar licks, shred like crazy.
15. Cut off this damned beard. Itches like fiberglass insulation with itching powder in it.
16. Find a wounded bird. Step on it.
17. Play the slots at Wynne, catch Garth Brooks, eat a steak and don’t even count calories!!!
18. See all the wonders of the world. Blow them up.
19. Work with Woody Allen or Adam West.
20. What was that noise I just heard? Is there someone in the house? It’s the middle of the night for pete’s sake. Are those soldiers? What are they doing here…
Too soon?
Good list. Somewhat different from the Bucket List on the thumb drive I have. Here’s what I’ve got…
1. Steal all the gold at Ft. Knox. Buy a country. The U.S.A.? (Just joking!) Pakistan? (Why bother? I’m already an honored guest.)
2. Run stark naked through the Pentagon.
3. Get a preview of the 72 virgins that await me.
4. See Mt. Rushmore. Blow it up.
5. See DisneyWorld from inside Mickey Mouse costume. Feel up cute moms.
6, Go to Hollywood. Blow it up. (Win Oscar for best special effects?)
7. Win Nobel Prize. (Long shot but a man can dream.)
8. Add more Facebook friends.
9. Meet Steve Jobs. (Long shot but a man can dream.)
10. Be first man to walk on moon. (Let’s be honest. The Americans did it in a film studio.)
11. Eat a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Delicatessen in NYC with Mayor Bloomberg, maybe Rudy Guiliani.
12. Get a show on NPR.
13. Shoot grizzlies with Sarah Palin. (Bet I can convince her I’m her long-lost uncle Bernie!)
14. Go ten rounds with Michelle Bachmann. Her God vs. my God. Prize TBD. (I know what I want!)
15. Saturday golf date with Barack Obama. (Cut a juicy one while he’s putting.)
16, Contact The Lint Screen. Plead for better PR. (Hack site if it isn’t forthcoming.)
17. Read L. Ron Hubbard’s book about Scientology. (Something there? Too late to convert?)
18. Tweet.
19. Find more reliable OTC product for irregularity.
20. Star in a Woody Allen film. (So few people know that I’m wryly funny. Need to work on that.)
21. Write a trashy best-seller. (Co-author one with James Patterson?)
22. Star in a porn film. (“Johnny Big Waden”? Just a thought.)
23. Eat out more.
24. Find a way to secretly visit my boys at Gitmo.
25. Order Chinese food more often. (Ask for extra sauce and fortune cookies.)
26. Find answer to the question “Who calls the English teacher ‘Daddy-O’?” (Cosmic, I think.)
That’s all I’ve got so far.
Gee, Curvin, your list is longer than mine. You’re giving me a complex here.
Perhaps Binnie had a number of these bucket lists. It’s obvious from both yours and mine that he was a complex person prone to mood swings, eclectic porn and destructive behavior.
Not unlike many professional athletes.
Thanks for adding to the journalistic integrity of The Lint Screen with your in-depth reporting. It’s appreciated.
John, I don’t think it’s too soon.
No, not at all.
But that’s me.
Just reporting what I found on the thumb drive I got. I did find a couple of other thoughts on his Bucket List this afternoon…
27. Sing on Pakistan Idol or Pakistan Voice.
28. Tour with Lady Gaga.
29. Cross-dress more often.
29. Do it with a guy. (So? Tell me where it says it’s wrong! Nowhere, that’s where!)
30. Wear a nun’s habit.
31. Learn how to hot wire a car.
32. Get a couple hundred copies of the FBI’s most wanted list for my family and friends.
33. Sign up for some sessions at Arthur Murray.
34. Become someone’s pen pal. (Bernie Madoff? The guy needs a friend.)
35. Move to Sweden. (Blondes, blondes, blondes!)
36. Bathe once a week.
37. Floss. (So hard to remember!)
38. Buy a used tank.
39. Start blogging. (Humor? Politics? Jihad? Something will come to me.)
40. Open a restaurant. (Could lose my shirt. But what a way to meet and recruit people!)
41. Start a jihad garden.
42. Subscribe to NetFlix. (Only if they have hard-core porn.)
43. Hang out with Hefner at the Playboy Mansion.
44. Inhale helium next time I record a tape for the infidels. (Totally awesome, dude!)
45. Learn how to say “pilgrim” and walk like John Wayne.
46. Demi Moore.
47. Kirstin Wiig. (Cracks me up!)
48. Tina Fey. (Loved her Sarah Palin!)
49. Insist that my wives buy a better grade of toilet paper when they go to the bazaar. (Or buy me a couple tubes of Preparation H! Ha ha!!! What a comedian!)
50. Write for Letterman.
John…
Too soon for what?
Curvin, I’m starting to think Osama had one of those big orange Home Depot buckets for his volumes of lists.
Quite the flake, that one.
The ones I got were on a 8GB thumb drive. There are a few more files on it to look at. There’s one marked “random,” for example. Not sure what’s there. I’ll take a look tomorrow if I have a chance.
Keep digging. It’s what separates the great journalists from ditch diggers.
I went though my original translations of Bin Laden’s Bucket List and made a few modifications. I also found a few new thoughts in the file marked “random.”
As you say, he was a mighty complex man. Sometimes, at least according to the thumb drive in my possession, he was so evil you’d want to strangle him until his eyes popped out. Other times he thought only about the perfectly quotidian things that pass through every one’s life. It can also be said, I think, that quite often he was a pie-in-the-sky daydreamer, possibly even totally batty. Someone who just couldn’t focus on reality.
That said, here’s what I found…
1. Steal all the gold at Ft. Knox. Buy a country. The U.S.A.? (Just joking!) Pakistan? (Why bother? I’m already an honored guest.)
2. Run stark naked through the Pentagon.
3. Get a preview of the 72 virgins that await me.
4. See Mt. Rushmore. Blow it up.
5. See DisneyWorld from inside Mickey Mouse costume. Feel up cute moms.
6, Go to Hollywood. Blow it up. (Win Oscar for best special effects?)
7. Win Nobel Prize. (Long shot but a man can dream.)
8. Add more Facebook friends.
9. Meet Steve Jobs. (Long shot but a man can dream.)
10. Be first man to walk on moon. (Let’s be honest. The Americans did it in a film studio.)
11. Eat a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Delicatessen in NYC with Mayor Bloomberg, maybe Rudy Guiliani.
12. Get a show on NPR.
13. Shoot grizzlies with Sarah Palin. (Bet I can convince her I’m her long-lost uncle Bernie!)
14. Go ten rounds with Michelle Bachmann. Her God vs. my God. Prize TBD. (I know what I want!)
15. Saturday golf date with Barack Obama. (Cut a juicy one while he’s putting.)
16, Contact The Lint Screen. Plead for better PR. (Hack site if it isn’t forthcoming.)
17. Read L. Ron Hubbard’s book about Scientology. (Something there? Too late to convert?)
18. Tweet.
19. Find more reliable OTC product for irregularity.
20. Star in a Woody Allen film. (So few people know that I’m wryly funny. Need to work on that.)
21. Write a trashy best-seller. (Co-author one with James Patterson?)
22. Star in a porn film. (“Johnny Big Waden”? Just a thought.)
23. Eat out more.
24. Find a way to secretly visit my boys at Gitmo.
25. Order Chinese food more often. (Ask for extra sauce and fortune cookies.)
26. Find answer to the question “Who calls the English teacher ‘Daddy-O’?” (Cosmic, I think.)
27. Sing on Pakistan Idol or Pakistan Voice.
28. Tour with Lady Gaga.
29. Cross-dress more often.
30. Do it with a guy. (So? Tell me where it says it’s wrong! Nowhere, that’s where!)
31. Wear a nun’s habit.
32. Learn how to hot wire a car.
33. Get a couple hundred copies of FBI’s most wanted list for my family and friends.
34. Sign up for some sessions at Arthur Murray.
35. Become someone’s pen pal. (Bernie Madoff? The guy needs a friend.)
36. Move to Sweden. (Blondes, blondes, blondes!)
37. Bathe once a week.
38. Floss. (So hard to remember!)
39. Buy a used tank.
40. Start blogging. (Humor? Politics? Jihad? Something will come to me.)
41. Open a restaurant. (Could lose my shirt. But what a way to meet and recruit people!)
42. Start a jihad garden.
43. Subscribe to NetFlix. (Only if they have hard-core porn.)
44. Hang out with Hefner at the Playboy Mansion.
45. Inhale helium next time I record a tape for the infidels. (Totally awesome, dude!)
46. Learn how to say “pilgrim” and walk like John Wayne.
47. Demi Moore.
48. Kristin Wiig. (Cracks me up!)
49. Tina Fey. (Loved her Sarah Palin!)
50. Insist my wives buy a better grade of toilet paper when they go to the bazaar. (Or buy me a couple tubes of Preparation H! Ha ha!!! What a comedian!)
51. Write for Letterman.
52. Sunbathe nude. (Wave at spy satellites!)
53. Learn a second language, how to play the piano.
54. Install official U.S. Navy Seal bodybuilding course in backyard – jungle gym, rope climb, etc.
55. Write for The New Yorker or The Onion.
56. Pitch for the Yankees.
57. Write a screenplay, maybe a Broadway show. (Drama? Musical? See where it goes.)
58. Drive pace car at Indy 500. Lob grenades out the back of car?
59. Buy the kids and wives water guns that look like AK-47s.
60. Learn ventriloquism.
61. Eat pork. (Only once, just to see how it tastes.)
62. Buy big-ass Harley and ride with pack of my buds! (Sturgis, SD?)
63. Arrange intervention with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.
64. Hire PR firm to repair image. (Too late to be Ward Cleaver?)
65. Seduce an altar boy. (Forgot… we don’t have altar boys.)
66. Anything I can invent and sell on late night TV?
67. Why only 72 virgins? (Just curious.)
68. Note to secret message courier: Pick up stool softener.
69. Trim nostril hairs more regularly.
70. Stop googling myself.
71. Sign up for Internet dating. (On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog… or a terrorist. Ha ha ha!)
72. Open chain of low-priced, well hidden and protected caves along border of Afghanistan and Pakistan? Call it “Jihad 6”?
73. Mac? PC? (Ask around for opinions.)
74. Learn cartooning.
75. Find out where the Pope gets his red loafers. (Nice!)
76. Send thanks to Ahmed for Heimlich maneuver poster now hanging on dining room wall.
77. Give up? Continue hiding? What to do, what to do?
78. Just an idea: Al Qaeda version of U.S.O. Going stir-crazy.
79. There’s Hamburger Helper. Why not Goat Helper?
80. Rewrite and update Wikipedia entry.
81. Too late for six-pack abs?
82. Apologize? Beg for forgiveness? (Nah.)
83. How’d Neo dodge bullets in The Matrix? Learn how and practice.
84. Learn how to sing the blues. (Forgot… it’s “da blues.”)
85. What, me worry? I’m living on the lamb, living large, living la dolce vita in Pakistan-ee-oo.
86. Damn neighbor kid kicked another soccer ball over wall today. Kept ball.
87. Sex and jihad, sex and jihad, sex and jihad. So bored!
88. Wrote smutty limericks today.
89. Just heard Wipe Out by the Surfaris. First time ever. Whoa! Gotta go surf some day!
90. Need spam filter. Penis large enough, thank you very much.
91. Odd day. Can’t imagine what I’d blow up. Mellowing?
92. Axe? Old Spice?
93. Got a feeling Obama’s gonna put the pedal to the metal when it comes to me.
94. Relatives pissed that I ruined the name Bin Laden. (Yeah, well… deal with it, okay?)
95. Colgate? Crest?
96. Tide? What kind of Tide? (Wives bickering about it.)
97. Wrote last line for my memoir: “And I lived happily ever after.” (Fat chance, right?)
98. Top secret secret “for my eyes only”: Thinking about having a BLT for lunch. First one ever.
99. New neighbors down the road. Keep looking at my place with binoculars. CIA? Merely envious of my manse?
100. “Dead or alive.” So harsh, so damn judgmental. Like the song says: “Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?”
Holy smackarollie– your thumb drive list proves he was one sick puppy.
Thanks for the extensive scooping of the inside dirt!
Yep. He was a doozy, alright.