Just when America thought it was a two horse presidential race between a puppy and a kitten, a new candidate aims to make monkeys out of both–– a lovable precious precocious primate named Ms. Pickles!
Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles spoke to reporters outside his Tempe, Arizona home. “I think that little puppy and kitten-cat are pretty cute, but I worry about having a president with paws who has the power to nuke our planet to smithereens. What if that paw slips? We couldn’t launch a nuclear attack and evildoers would know that so they’d bully us with verbal wedgies and what-have-yous. Are we going to be a nation of wusses? No! What America needs is a creature like a human but without human faults. And Ms. Pickles, why she’s real human-like, what with her two arms, two legs and a face that melts your heart like butter in a microwave. This country needs a feminine touch on the nuclear launch button, and Ms. Pickles is ready to protect, serve and prepare a mushroom cloud omelette of destruction if need be!”
Ms. Pickles then came out and clapped her hands as reporters swooned. Mr. Gruthers tossed Ms. Pickles a grape, which she caught in her mouth. She then did a back flip and moonwalked. The reporters applauded loudly and cheered.
As the presidential race heats up, there was no response from other declared candidates.
Word on the street says there’s an 800-lb. gorilla who’s thinking about tossing his very large hat into the ring as soon as he clears up lingering questions about where he was born. I’m afraid I have no other details. As usual, I’m counting on The Lint Screen for its fair and accurate political coverage.
Hmmm, this sounds like a juicy scoop. I’ll have to send some investigative reporters out there to harvest any news worth gathering.
Thanks for the tip, Mister!
These dangerous times require a leader that is not concerned whether her trigger finger’s nail polish is dry before engaging the enemy. Adorable, yes. Paws-in-chief, no.
Paws 2012
You don’t agree a great leader leads only after a relaxing mani/pedi treatment?
I’ve read great leaders also will pick lice off one another.
You are one funny boy, Patrick. You probably have enough funny for two boys.
Thanks, Ms. Kit-Cat. Those boys got funny galore.