The Lint Screen

Single Celled Organism Declines Presidential Run

Written by

PD Scullin

in

,

The world reacts to the tragic news.
The world held its collective breath in anticipation of the announcement of whether a single celled organism would make a run for the White House, and today the world received news that caused it to exhale in disappointment.

Those who smelled the exhale said that the world had obviously been drinking and eating garlic.

Russ Verblockin, a spokesman for single celled organism said that it had decided not to run for the presidency because it wished to spend more time with its petri dish family.

“While single celled organism believes it could have brought about the change America so desperately needs,” Verblockin said in a prepared statement, “it also feels that it has an obligation to its loved ones and did not wish to bring them under the media’s microscopic scrutiny. I hope everyone respects single celled organism’s privacy.”

The spokesman then broke down in tears and was ushered away.

Comments

8 responses to “Single Celled Organism Declines Presidential Run”

  1. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Look, I’m just barely recovering from that Armenian chick with the big booty leaving her genetic mutant husband. Don’t pile this on me too, man.

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    I feel your pain. We all feel your pain. Pain sucks.

    Persevere!

  3. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Probably an organism who’d had too many illicit orgasms. And did it have a proper birth certificate? No doubt it didn’t.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    Hmmm, you raise some good points. Could be this organism had reason not to want to be held under the public eye. Thanks, Curvin.

    Rumor has it an amoeba with ambitions is also considering entering the race. Whoops, my bad. It just died.

  5. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Are parasitic cells eligible to run for office if they can prove lifelong residency in an American host body? Just curious.

  6. admin Avatar
    admin

    I don’t see why not. We’ve had parasites in the oval office before…

  7. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    There are 300 million Americans. Each of them has three trillion parasites. Imagine the debates.

  8. admin Avatar
    admin

    You’re right. Alert Fox, MCNBC, all the networks– the ad revenue milking cow is backing into the barn!

    Let the media circus do it deed!

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