“Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”
The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.
I received this e-mail late last night:
“Regarding the Amish beard clipping events in Ohio that have been reported by The Lint Screen, do not point the finger of guilt at Santy Paws or Mr. Pickles. They are good animals.
“I suspect, though I cannot prove it, that the perpetrator is an individual and/or individuals, perhaps a cult or anarchist movement, practicing for the GOP debate on Dec. 27th. The one that will be moderated by Donald Trump.
“The debate, of course, will be completely faux. How can a political debate with The Donald as moderator be anything but that?
“I believe, though once again I can’t prove it, that the facial hair events in Ohio portend a full-scale strike against the product-filled, too carefully coiffed helmut of hair atop Trump’s head, possibly a total shearing during the debate.
“If my theory holds any water, I would put the following groups of people right at the top of my watch list of suspects:
“All bald men; all/any workingman member of the 99% who views barbers as barbers, not hair stylists; all/any barber who works exclusively with the 99%, including the demon barber of Fleet Street; all/any hair stylist who hisses quietly and privately, calling Trump’s hair to be an egregious insult to his/her profession, and all manufacturers of hair products who, while appreciating the increase in revenue, believe the race for hair care control has gotten out of hand. There may be others.
“Please forward these thoughts to The Lint Screen.
“Sincerely,
“The Hairy Shearer (an anonymous friend)”
While I typically do not buy into conspiracy theories, I believe Mr. Shearer may be on to something here. It is certainly suspicious that “The Donald” suddenly is back in the political limelight. Why?!
Something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t the skunk eating runny cheese!
I wonder, however, if another shady character might not be involved with plot Mr. Shearer has unearthed. What about that old guy with the nicotine-stained fingers who cuts hair in the back seat of his Cadillac.
Yes, I am speaking of the infamous “Barber of Seville.”
Add him to your prime suspect list. Thanks for the tip, Sir. Hairy!
The Barber of Seville isn’t a likely suspect. His Caddy is rusted out and up on blocks in his backyard.
Then what about that lady who uses water-powered hair clippers?
Barber Wawa is her name.