With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.”
Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to let each and every citizen get a turn running America!” Watson was referring to his innovative plan to allow every Iowan an opportunity to govern the land from the Oval Office for 32.376614 seconds.”Others talk about democracy, Watson will deliver it to you flesh puppets!”
Lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, proclaimed through a spokesman, “Iowa is Nirvana. Iowans are better than the rest of the nation so I believe we should get all the tax money from the other 49 states and cut up the jackpot!”
And precious puppy, Santy Paws, said in a press release that he would institute “an optional tax plan. Pay whatever you think is fair, and if you don’t like the idea of the government spending your money, keep it. If you think the government should give you some entitlement money, write down the amount and send it my way. You’ll get it. Tax laws need to be chiller, man!”
The latest poll numbers make the race too close to call.
As an honorary Iowan – I grew up in South Dakota not far from Iowa – I have to say I’m amused by all the attention a flyover state gets during its political caucuses. Multiple human candidates, along with your two animal candidates and one computer candidate… it’s going to be a confusing caucus.
Yes, it’s testament to our political process that pols dangle sweet incentives to earn the Iowa votes.
More subsidies!!!