The Lint Screen

Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided

Written by

PD Scullin

in

,

What to do, what to do?
In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

“People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

Hmmm, could be. Maybe.

Comments

10 responses to “Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided”

  1. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    This is a bunch of malarkey. Well, maybe not a bunch, more like a mound. A sort of smallish mound. Wait, no, like a big tablespoon. Uh, a little more than that. I’m sorry. What was the question? I’m decisive, but maybe a little forgetful. . . .

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    You are decidedly decisive, in a Hank Kimball of Hooterville kind of way.

    You know what I mean, I hope.

  3. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    I know The Lint Screen has a lot of pull at the top of the food chain. So would you please ask the folks at “You Asked For It!” to stop ringing by apartment buzzer and calling me at all hours of the day?

    If it’ll help, here’s a list of my answers to their questions:

    1. “Yes.” 2. “Yes.” 3. “Goodness gracious, no.” 4. “Probably.” 5. “Are you kidding me?” 6. “On a scale of one to 10? Probably a six, maybe a seven.” 7. “Too personal to answer. But yes, I did it. Once. It’s legal, right? Besides, who are you to judge?” 8. “Pepperoni.” 9. ” Sometimes squeamish.” 10. “NPR and PBS.” 11. “Sex? Only when I find two bathtubs alongside each other.” 12. “Gender? Already assigned. No reason to switch. Thanks for asking, though.” 13. “Race? Too old to race.” 14. “Won’t run if asked. Can’t even walk without breathing heavily.” 15. “The Hokey Pokey, that’s what it’s all about… this year and every year.” 16. “Not married. If I were, I’d follow strict Newtonian principles. That is, trade up often.” 17. “What’s it to you?” 18. “Coke. Can live with Pepsi.” 19. “Only if Dr. Seuss is the attending physician.” 20. “Money’s good. You’re paying me for these answers, right?”

    I hope this keeps Tempestee and his people away from me. It’d be good, too, if it improved the accuracy of their polling.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    I will forward your answers to the number crunchers at “You Asked For It!”

    Suggest you find a nice comfy bathtub and maybe enjoy a post-bathing cigarette.

    Thanks for your interest in improving the accuracy of polling in our great nation.

  5. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Found a couple of bathtubs but the water in them was frozen.

  6. admin Avatar
    admin

    Hmmm, you made some magic pills to melt that ice.

  7. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    When I figure out which thought to pursue I might post something on this topic, maybe later today or tomorrow, or maybe not.

  8. admin Avatar
    admin

    Don’t feel like you’re being brow-beaten to make a decision one way or the other.

    Take your time. Choose wisely.

  9. mike Avatar
    mike

    I found this old article from an obscure website that has suddenly gone offline. Might be worth looking into…

    ————————————-

    I’m just going to come out and say it. I used to party with Watson when we were in college. We had a voltage regulator that he would hook up to give himself some extra juice. I remember one time we went to Amsterdam and he plugged straight in to the wall – no converter or nothing. He was trashed the whole time we were there. Mostly it was just harmless fun. We were just kids, you know? But man, that guy could party. One time he begged me to hook him up to the washing machine outlet. I told him he was crazy – those things are 240 man! But he did it anyway. He was trippin! So I finally reset the breaker. I know I used to always catch him looking at computer porn. Wiring diagrams. CAD files. Even some BMW mechanics instructional videos – bizarre stuff. One time I even put my hand in his drive. Truthfully neither of us remember much about that night. I mean, it was college – we were all experimenting. I think he liked it, but I realized it just wasn’t my thing. But he just kept pushing the envelope, and after that we were kind of distant. The last time we really talked was after the New York blackout of ’77 happened. That really freaked him out. He lost some friends and I think it scared him straight. But it’s hard to say. I know he has to say the right things now, but he always dodges the question on “free electricity for all.” Back in the day he could tell you all about Tesla and how power could be tapped from the ground for free. But of course General Electric and the “big power” lobby can’t charge for all that, so they made it illegal. I just wonder what will happen if he gets elected. Will it be all “status nominal” or would he really try to change things. I think the danger is that, just like Kennedy, they can pull the plug anytime they want.

    Steve Jobs

  10. admin Avatar
    admin

    This is major scoop, the kind you can’t get at Baskin Robbins at any price!
    What’s up with Watson and who is this mysterious “Steve Jobs” guy? I wonder…

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