Phil Whaddit is a generally optimistic fellow. He believes that found pennies, a rabbit’s foot and unattached horseshoes bring good luck, and that acts of kindness will garner entry through the pearly gates in the after-gig. Mr. Whaddit recently received an e-mail in his personal account that perplexed him and allowed a ray of pessimism to permeate his sunny disposition.
“The subject line read ‘Act Fast & Save!‘,” recalled the 38-year old electrical contractor in Chubbuck, Idaho, “so I was excited thinking it was from a friend or relative who was selling something of genuine value, but that wasn’t the case. Not the case at all,” said the visibly sad man.
“The letter was all about saving money on Viagra and Cialis and other such medications that enhance what I guess the medical community would call ‘the male arousal-ness zones.’ But the thing is, I never requested any such a thing and it got me to thinking how did these people, whoever it was who sent me this blasted e-mail, how would they even know if I needed help in the down-under department any which-a-way– and even if I did need a little boost in the erroneous zone from time to time, what business is that of theirs anyhow?!” Mr. Whaddit said as he lifted a kitchen chair and hurled it across the room breaking an ice sculpture of Pegasus and Hercules shopping for tires.
“It’s like strangers are living in my e-mail box,” he said as he flung a flower vase against a wall, smashing it to smithereens. “I feel like my privacy has been violated,” he shouted as he heaved over his kitchen table and dove through a window. He landed on a bush, got up and began running from his house shouting “What am I going to do?!”
If you receive any unsolicited e-mails, please try to contain yourself.
Hey, wait a minute. That picture. I recognize that from somewhere. Hey! That was YOUR facebook picture for a while. You wouldn’t be telling stories about yourself and using somebody else’s name, would you?
You’re an ad man! We have to be able to trust that you’re always telling the truth, right? Now I’m discouraged.
Er, well, um, no, I’m not, uh, telling tales about myself or anyone, honest, but, uh, look over there– a panther knitting a sweater!
(SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING INTO THE HORIZON)
I’m personally trying to get on more mailing lists for Canadian male-enhancement drugs. Can you tell me how I might go about doing this?
I believe there is a Canadian male-enhancement website dedicated in honor of Lorne Greene. Not sure, but I think the url is: cartwrightcrotchgrowth.com
Good luck.