Popeye, the sailor man, has been arrested and jailed following a savage beating of his nemesis, Bluto, who was hospitalized and pressed charges.

“I wasn’t doing nothing,” Bluto said. “I’ve been dealing with my anger management issues for the past ten months. I changed to a vegan diet, I’m drinking soy milk, meditating, getting therapy, listening to Yanni and lighting Yankee Candles. I’m feeling chill. So, I was just sitting at a table minding my own business when Popeye comes in and accuses me of hitting on his gal, Olive Oyl. Right, me hitting on her. Anyway, I stand up and before I could open my yap, the pipe-smokin’ bully starts giving me a facial with his fists. I’m tellin’ ya, that guy’s got some serious rage issues.”

An emergency medical team was dispatched to care for the burly mountain of a man as police worked to subdue the raging sailor. “Popeye looked like he was really whacked out on the green,” reported police chief Hank E. Samppy. “He reeked of the leafy stuff. The guy had to be a couple cans to the wind.”

Olive Oyl told The Lint Screen that Popeye has been very depressed lately. “He’s been upset because Bluto’s been so mellow. He said he needed an adversary and it wasn’t fair. Said it’d be like Tom and Jerry having a peace accord. Popeye didn’t feel it was natural.”

Asked to comment on his violent explosion, Popeye said, “Look, I yam what I yam. Wanna make something of it, punk?”