The Lint Screen

Fertilizer For Ivy Leaguers

Written by

PD Scullin

in

You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing.
You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing and I was clumsy with pins.

The following is my commencement address to the Princeton University Class of 2015.

Good afternoon. Sit, please. Enough applause already, please sit. Thanks.

That was a lovely rendition of “Pomp & Circumference”–– let’s it hear it for the PU band! You guys rock.

As I look out on all those fancy robes, colorful sashes, Mortar Board skull caps and big foam fingers with “We’re #1” printed on them waving madly, I feel your sense of pride, accomplishment and excitement.

Your investment of hundreds of thousands of dollars has finally come to an end, unless you re-up for another hit of higher education in the ol’ academia incubator.

Either way, if you have piles of student debt and need some relief, or, you need a little loan, my friend Sal is in the parking lot. He’s the husky guy sitting in a gold Buick Riveria with a two-day beard and a Lucky Strike in his mouth. Sal has some exceptional terms. And if you act today, he’ll throw in a pair of Isotoner gloves when you pay your loan back, providing you still have all your digits. Take a sit down with Sal and let your troubles float away.

So, what about life? What are the keys to success? How can you find your true purpose, your happiness?

To quote a great philosopher, the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. And if you can’t find answers there, remember the idea that drove Fox Mulder in “The X-Files”–– THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

Find it, graduates. Find the truth. How? Try The internet, that thing has damn near everything you ever need to know and it’s all true. Believe it!

Thanks. Now please commence with the thunderous applause, foot stomping and lighters in the air, and I may come back out for an encore.

Rock on, Princeton, I love you!

Comments

4 responses to “Fertilizer For Ivy Leaguers”

  1. Lud Avatar
    Lud

    Dear Class of 2015,

    Because we recognize your plight, allow us to provide you with a bit of friendly advice as it realtes to your student loans. Once you are uncerimoniously thrown from your dorm into the less-than robust US jobs market, you will likely discover that contrary to what you were told in your economics courses, the US economy is but a shadow of its former self.

    Because you probably didn’t study to become a petroleum engineer, you will likely find your student debt burden to be quite onerous. The key to having it discharged is to make just enough money to stay clear of bankruptcy, but not enough to really survive above the poverty line. This is because it’s hard to have student debt discharged in the event you go completely broke.

    However, if your discretionary income is so small as to render you incapable of making payments, the government will start you on a program whereby a monthly payment of zero dollars counts towards the 300 “payments” you need to make to have your debt forgiven. Toe this line carefully (i.e. don’t slip up and start making too much discretionary income) and the entirety of your student debt will be forgiven in 25 short years without your ever having to pay a dime.

    You’re welcome,

    Zero Hedge

  2. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Thanks for that excellent financial advice, Dr. Lud. The trick is to make just enough to subsist, I suppose, for 25 years. It’s like an extended graduate program.

    Of course, you could just see Sal in the parking lot and get a loan.

  3. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    Here’s hoping your parents haven’t re-purposed your old bedroom.

  4. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    No, the room is ready for occupancy. Mints on pillow optional.

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