The world still may not be breathing following the shocking news that The Lint Screen did not receive any 2016 Pulitzer Prize Awards.
“This is almost unconscionable,” said Dr. Lawrence Kidneyworttle, English Department Chairman of The Amazingly Epic Incredible University in Greilickville, Michigan. “I imagine if one had a feather one could knock me over with said feather. I am that shocked The Lint Screen was shunned.” The spry 80-something bald man pulled a pipe from his tweed jacket, plucked some tobacco from his trouser pocket, and began packing a firm bowlful. He started a fire on his office floor with flint, some twigs, and dry leaves. Then, he patiently lit his pipe with a smouldering twig, savoring the smoke like a man who appreciates things like pipe tobacco smoke. He continued in that was of his (you know the way I’m talking about–– his melodic, rich baritone whisper, one that could talk a cat from a tall tree or a suicide jumper into buying him a double bourbon at the bar).
“For almost eight years, I can think of no more august and revered journal of authoritative fact and integrity than The Lint Screen,” the learned man said as a spark from his pipe jumped into his beard and began to smolder. “It is the epitome of high journalistic standards and hardly ever makes boo-boos or boners. And many times, I like the pictures, too.”
The doctor’s beard became a brush fire across his face, and he began flailing his arms and screaming in high-pitched agony. This reporter looked on shaking his head in disbelief–– how could The Lint Screen be ignored yet again?!
Is there no justice in the world?
The office stunk of burning hair and disappointment, as the reporter put on his fedora with the ‘PRESS’ card in it, and left.