Timothy Pinkdroll was a Boy Scout, and he’s taking his “be prepared” training to heart as he undergoes extreme conditioning for the upcoming presidential election season.
“I know some people might think I’m bonkers,” said the 48-year old electrician from Waterloo, Iowa, “but we’ll see who’s laughing come election day.” (The Lint Screen launched an extensive investigative deep dive into the subject, and has learned that the United States presidential election will take place in early November of 2016, or thereabouts.)
Mr. Pinkdroll has hired a team of sadists and is undergoing extensive torturing as he prepares for the onslaught of bombastic media coverage and mud-slinging ads.
“The election season is going to be a doozy of crap show,” Pinkdroll said as an assistant plunged knitting needles into his forehead. “There will be a billion dollar apparatus blasting away, designed to sway opinions and inflict extreme pain and doubt on the electorate. Those who haven’t undergone proper conditioning are doomed to an unimaginable world of pain. It’s going to be ugly!”
With that, the subject requested the next stage of his conditioning as his head was placed in a vise and cranked tightly while cherry bombs were exploded in front of his nose. “We only have five months until election day,” he said in an agonizing scream. “I think I can make it.”