After four gun control bills were voted down in the Senate and House, lawmakers took decisive action and passed bold legislation that will make post-gun-massacres easier to handle.
The “Thoughts And Prayers” bill will automatically trigger condolences from Senators and Representatives immediately following any major gun incident.
“We’ve been wasting a heck of a lot of time expressing our grief after shootings,” Sen. Yancy Marlborough of Utah told The Lint Screen. “This legislation will allow each lawmaker to pre-record his solemn message sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ to the victims of gun foul play. When incidents happen, we’ll be able to release our messages efficiently.”
“It’s a critical step forward,” said Rep. Lawrence Blunderfloss of Kansas. “Although 92% of the American public supports stronger gun control measures, there’s nothing we can do to stop bad guys from getting semi-automatic weapons. Background checks won’t work, they’d make a mockery of our Constitution. This important bill will assist Washington lawmakers in expressing our condolences in a time-saving manner, freeing up our availability to do our most important task–– raising funds for re-election.”
After the press conference, the lawmakers slithered back into their offices.