At the end of a typical day, the offices of The Lint Screen are littered with empty bourbon, rye, and gin bottles, overflowing ashtrays, and crumpled fedoras planted with cards reading PRESS.
In this setting, the calm after covering another hurly-burly day of news, our main phone line rang. “Scoop” Jipson answered.
“Yallo,” he barked.
“Is this The Lint Screen?” a familiar voice asked.
“You called on your dime–– what do you think, weisenheimer?”
“Listen up, this is your president, Donald J. Trump!”
“You don’t say…”
“I do say, smart ass, and I’ll have you thrown in prison, beaten and have your tongue yanked out if you don’t show some proper respect immediately.”
“Okay. Why you on the blower to Lint?”
“I want your readers to know that the U.S. golfers are decimating the international team in the Presidents Cup, and it’s all thanks to me.”
“How you figure, champ?”
“Who’s the president? I am.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And with my leadership, our golfers are playing better than ever. Leading 8-2 after two rounds. Biggest lead ever. Historic lead. Incredible lead. And no players taking knees. All thanks to me.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really! I saw those bums Clinton, Bush, and Obama at the Presidents Cup on Thursday, smiling and joking, trying to take credit. Very sad.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s not called the ex-Presidents Cup–– it’s The PRESIDENTS Cup, and I am the President. I won in a landslide, even with twenty million illegal voting for Hillary. I am the President, me! I have business cards, a nameplate on my desk, and the largest inaugural crowd in history to prove it!”
“And how you figure you get the credit for the big lead in a golf tournament?”
“The golfers are playing tremendous golf thanks to me making America great again. Big beautiful wall, miracle middle-class tax cuts, incredible, cheap healthcare for all, clean coal and cheap fuel, huge stock market gains, low unemployment, breaking bad deals, uniting Americans–– a lot of good people on all sides, I’m working on middle east peace, too, and almost got it figured out! So, you see? Life in America has never been better thanks to me. And that makes golfers play better.”
“That’s your story, huh?”
“Absolutely. And, look, although I’m a humble man, I think it’s obvious I am the greatest president America’s ever had, and the performance of our golfers in the Presidents Cup–– MY CUP–– prove that. Believe me.”
“Okay, I guess we’ll do a story.”
“You better. Don’t make me Tweet you…”
“Got it. Done deal.”
“Another deal done, thanks to me. Trump is the best!”
“Right.”
And, dial tone.