There have been many defections from President Donald J. Trump’s legal team, but today White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced two new additions.
“The president has retained lead representation by the prestigious legal firm of Vega & Winnfield,” Sanders told a crowd of yawning reporters. “Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield are two of the finest, most respected legal minds in the world. The president is confident they have the know-how, toughness, and persuasiveness to present compelling cases and battle the many false and frivolous allegations against him.”
A White House insider blabbed off the record to The Lint Screen that Trump is paranoid about the flurry of legal suits piling up.
“Trump thinks it’s all a deep state plot against him for the excellent job he is doing as the leader of the free world,” said Loosy McLooselips. “He believes it’s part of the Obama-Killery plot to smear him because of their intense jealousy of the tremendous work he is doing acting very presidential. He’s also infuriated by ludicrous claims that he’s had affairs outside his marriage. Trump believes in the sanctity of marriage and is a loyal and devoted husband to Melania. He thinks their love for each other is obvious to anyone with eyes.”
Trump also believes the investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller “is a major witch hunt, a colossal witch hunt. Very unfair.”
“The president thinks Vega & Winnfield have the expertise to deal with bullies like Mueller and Stormy Daniels.”
The offices of Vega & Winnfield refused to comment on their appointment to Team Trump. An official statement said “Attorneys Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield are unavailable due to their investigations into Kahuna burgers. A damn tasty burger.”