The nation held its collective breath today as special counsel Robert Mueller held a press conference at the Justice Department. While the pundits debate exactly what Mueller said, press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave The Lint Screen her informed translation.
“It was pretty obvious Bob Mueller admitted his investigation was a complete and total witch hunt,” Sanders said. “And the result of all the time and money wasted produced two big, fat zeroes–– there was absolutely no conspiracy and no collusion–– just like the president has said repeatedly.”
Sanders believes Mueller went out of his way to admit Donald J. Trump is the greatest president in history.
“Although he didn’t come out and say it directly, I think his body language said it all. Mueller is a big fan and huge admirer of the president,” she said. “He is a man beyond reproach. We all must support President Trump and accept everything he says as truth. Because it is!”
The press secretary also believes Mueller is embarrassed and ashamed of the sham investigation he headed.
“That’s obvious. Why else would he be leaving his cushy job for public life? After the kind of power he had, it would be crazy for him to go back to being an ordinary citizen.”
Sanders also thinks Mueller clearly exonerated the president and Russia of any wrongdoing in the 2016 election.
“While Mueller said Russia did interfere in our election, I know Bob has a wicked sense of humor. He was ribbing the president and Putin who have both said there was absolutely no conspiracy. Who should we believe–– two presidents of great countries or one government hack? Of course, we’re going to trust our leaders and not some schmo in a suit. Oh, that Bob, he is such a joker!”
The press secretary thinks Mueller’s press conference should finally put the entire controversy about the investigation to rest.
“Mueller said case closed. Nothing to see here. Our president is a very honorable man and attorney general Barr is beyond reproach and doing a fabulous job upholding justice. I think what Mueller was saying is clear–– get back to work Congress and keep cutting taxes for job creators, keep reducing government oversight of financial organizations and environmental causes, addressing our immigration crisis, and supplying more weapons to our besties, the Saudis.”
Sanders took a deep breath.
“He didn’t say all that in so many words, but I’m sure that’s what he meant. The bottom line, we’re all good, here. Let’s go on and keep working to make America great again!”