New Inscription Proposed For The Statue of Liberty

Lady Liberty is one old dame!

She was given to the United States in 1886. A gift from the French people who would later give us French Fries (a tastier gift that’s much more important in American history).

The old green lady was erected in the harbor of New York City way back when and lots of destitute, poverty-stricken vermin sailed by her stoic face as they infested our shores and invaded our land.

These ragamuffin freeloaders took the inscription on the base of Lady Liberty literally:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

That was then, but those open door days may soon be gone.

Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, told The Lint Screen he wants a new inscription placed on Lady Liberty.

“America can’t roll out the red carpet for just any bum,” he said as he spritzed his pie hole with refreshing Binaca Breath Freshener. “The president wants me to shut the door and lock it. So together we’ve noodled a new inscription for Lady Liberty. And when Mitch and the boys get back from their break, we’ll have them pass a bill and make it official.”

Here is the proposed inscription in its entirety:

“Give me your true go-getters,

those with gumption determined to succeed,

those who have trust funds or the backing of the fossil fuel industry.

People who have no brown in their pigment,

white as flour sprinkled on snow.

Pure as Columbian coke before it gets stepped on.

Individuals who can pull themselves up by the bootstraps,

so they can make something of themselves,

and join a Trump Country Club.

Trump properties are the absolute best. Fantastic country clubs. Incredible.

Everyone says so.

As for the rest of the world and your scummy masses,

go back to where you come from, losers.

Then go straight to hell.”

Cuccinelli smiled and said, “I think the new inscription will be a hit! We love it. Standing up for winners is how the president is making America great again.”