Donald J. Trump is known as one of the greatest dealmakers in the history of civilization.

“Everyone says so,” he told The Lint Screen.

So when the president set his sights on buying Greenland, only to get rebuffed by Danish prime minister Mette Frederiksen, Trump did what all great masterminds do–– he set a new goal.

“Greenland blew it,” Trump said. “They should have gone for my deal. But they didn’t. And that’s their loss. We don’t need them. It’s a lousy country. Awful people. Very rude and disrespectful. I hate them. But that’s okay. I have a new plan. A terrific plan. We’ll buy Alaska.”

Alaska, which is north of America and attached to Canada, is a large parcel of land known for its baked desserts, igloos, and dog sleds.

“I think Alaska will be a much better real estate deal than Greenland,” the president said. “Alaska has oil, all kinds of natural resources we can mine and exploit. And I’ve heard the people are nice. Much nicer than those nasty Greenlanders. Alaska’s also close to Russia. That will be good to have in case I have to go talk with Putin.”

Trump smiled.

“Putin’s a hell of a guy. Strong leader. Very smart. Anyway, I’ve been talking to my people about setting up a meeting with the president of Alaska so we can talk. I plan to close this deal. It’s going to be fantastic. Believe me, this will be remembered as one of the greatest deals of all time. It’s a deal Obama never could have pulled off. Not in a million years. He was a very weak president. Weak as a kitten.”

We contacted the president of Alaska for a comment and have received no response. Yet.