West Middlesex, Pennsylvania, had a population of 863 people in the last census. Still, this small community on the PA-Ohio border is making a significant mark on the map as the first American town to get an arsenal of nuclear warheads.
“We need the extra firepower,” a local police officer who asked to remain anonymous told The Lint Screen. (Hint: his initials are R.F., and he drives a blue 2012 Mailbu and lives on Center Street in a white house with dark green shutters).
The cop took off his hat and placed his right hand over his eyes. He began speaking in a high-pitched voice as he repeatedly hit his adam’s apple with his left hand to disguise his voice.
“You never know what’s going to happen,” the mysterious man said. “Criminal elements could kick up some big trouble. I hear this Antifa is a problem in lots of places. Or, we could get an invasion from the Buckeye State next door. You don’t know what those crazy bastards over there could do once the Ohio State football season starts.”
The nuclear warheads are part of The Pentagon’s Excess Property Program that has supplied local police departments across the U.S. with more than $44.3 billion in military gear since 1997.
“Cops getting all this fancy war equipment is great,” said the unnamed officer. “Since we’ve gotten the Humvees, bazookas, and rocket launchers, shoplifting here has dropped over 80%. We still haven’t been able to catch ‘Stretch’ Kolirew red-handed, but when we do, he better watch his back because when we get done with him, it might just end up in West Virginia.”
The mystery cop laughs. “It’s like the Boy Scouts say, ‘be prepared.’ But I’ll just bet you those scouts would like a flamethrower or tank to back up those words.”
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