Mayberry Is Buzzing About Trump’s Suburbs Strategy

Mayberry is known as the idyllic American town. So, how is President Trump’s re-election campaign playing there? Here’s The Lint Screen exclusive report.

The boys are gathered outside Floyd’s Barber Shop, the epicenter of political talk in Mayberry.

ANDY: Now, fellas, I do believe this Donald Trump just might be maybe a little bit racist. Now, I may be out of line here, but––

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a racist! You don’t say, Andy. That’s big news. Big news.

ANDY: Now, I’m not casting stones here, I’m just saying––

GOOBER: No, I think you’re right as rain, Andy. I may be a dimwitted hayseed, but that Trump fella’s definitely as racist as the day is long.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Trump doesn’t like blacks.

GOOBER: Nope. Or Mexicans, or Asians, or anyone who’s not a doggone white supremacist, either.

Deputy Barney Fife walks down the street and joins the group.

BARNEY: What are you boys flapping your gums about here?

ANDY: That Donald Trump fella.

BARNEY: Trump? Why the heck would you be wasting breath on him?

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, Barney–– listen to this–– Andy thinks the president might be a little bit racist.

BARNEY: Well of course he’s racist! Trump wants to keep minorities out of the suburbs. He doesn’t even bother with dog whistles, these days, Trump does dog shouts.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh––’dog shouts’–– that’s a good one, Barney. ‘Dog shouts.’

GOOBER: Hey, you’re funny as anything, Barney.

ANDY: Now, Barney, you go and calm yourself down. You know what the doctor said about you getting so excited, what with your heart condition and everything.

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry, Ange, I’m fine. Healthy as a horse. But I’m telling you, ever since Trump did his Muslim ban, I’ve been madder than a one-legged rooster.

ANDY: ‘One-legged rooster’–– what’s that supposed to mean, Barney?

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry about it, Andy. You know what I’m saying. I’m telling you, as a practicing Muslim, I can’t accept Trump’s blatant racism toward my people.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– are you a Muslim, Barney?

BARNEY: Yes, Floyd, Yes I am a Muslim. You got a problem with that?

FLOYD: Ooh, no, Barney. No.

BARNEY: Good. I’m sure Donald Trump wouldn’t approve of religion or my wife Jameelah, either. She’s brown as a berry.

GOOBER: Hey, Barn, I didn’t know you got married.

BARNEY: Yes, Goober, yes I got married. Thelma Lou bored me to tears, so I married a good Muslim woman and we’re going to have a bunch of good Muslim kids–– if that’s all right with you.

GOOBER: Sure, Barney. Sure.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a genuine Muslim family–– right here in Mayberry!

BARNEY: For crying out loud, Floyd, this is 2020–– not 1960–– we need to start accepting and loving each other.

ANDY: Well now, that’s a right nice idea, Barney.

BARNEY: You know, maybe Trump should look at a calendar sometime. He’s completely out of touch–– he thinks this is a ‘Leave It To Beaver’ world.

FLOYD: Ooh, that Eddie Haskell–– he’s a bad seed. Bad seed.

BARNEY: Look, I can’t jaw with you people all day long, I’ve got to get on my prayer rug. It’s almost time for Zuhar.

GOOBER: What’s a prayer rug, Barney? Can your prayer rug fly?

BARNEY’S EYES POP IN DISBELIEF. HE GETS ENRAGED, PIVOTS, AND WALKS QUICKLY DOWN THE SIDEWALK MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. HIS FRIENDS WATCH AND SMILE.

ANDY: Well, I declare, if that Barney don’t be everything…

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Barney’s Muslim.

FADE TO BLACK

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