On a recent podcast, Rep. Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina made wild claims that caused Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley’s banana hammock to get in a knot.
The 26-year-old Cawthorn said he had been invited to “sexual get-togethers” and seen leading elder statesmen of the GOP doing “key bumps” of cocaine. The young babe in the woods politician was shocked and dismayed by this illicit behavior of his overlords.
“Screw that goodie-two-shoes,” Sen. Grassley tells The Lint Screen. “See if we ever invite Cawthorn back to one of our sexy time bashes. I swear I’ll never pass him the lube or offer him the opportunity to hoover a line of blow off of a $5,000-an-hour hooker’s cleavage. The little turd can sit in the corner and suck his thumb watching while I bust a nut.”
Grassley calls himself “a rocking’ sockin’ sex machine” and claims to have a “stable” of women he satisfies sexually.
“”All the ladies love them some Grass-man,” he crows. “They say no matter who their previous lovers were, the grass is always greener in the Grass-man’s bed. I’m a jackhammer!”
Cawthorn has apologized to the GOP leadership saying he “may have overstated his case a little bit for dramatic effect” but that isn’t cutting it with the big wigs.
“If that punk Cawthorn thinks he’s getting invited to our wild orgy and drug blasts,” says an angry, bare-chested Sen. Mitch McConnell gently stroking a sheep’s hindquarters, “he’s got another thing coming.”
Sen. Lindsay Graham walks into the room wearing ass-less leather chaps and a lime green feather boa. “When’s the fun start, fellas? I’ve been a naughty boy and need a good spanking. Smack me ruby red, boys! I deserve it!”
Sen. Ted Cruz, buck naked except for an antelope’s head mask, says, “I got first dibs on the nasty boy. I’ll teach Lindsay a lesson but good.”
“You’ll have to wrestle me first, Ted,” says Sen. Ron Johnson wearing nothing but black support socks and a dusting of white powder on his nose and upper lip. “I got some oil, so let’s grease up and go, Teddie boy!”
Both men smile as they apply oil to one another.
Boys will be boys!
————————————————————————
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.