Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito caused a sensation when the draft of his upcoming decision concerning abortion leaked earlier this week. Alito and four other conservative Supreme Court Justices are poised to make abortion illegal.
“It’s the right thing to do,” Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The federal government has no power over a woman’s body. Our forefathers didn’t say anything about abortion rights in the Constitution. It wasn’t an inalienable right like owning lots of guns and voting––providing you were a white male landowner. Hell, women didn’t even get the right to vote until 1920. And frankly, I’m not so sure that was a good idea. I may look into that.”
Alito believes that the decision was wrong to ban abortion, which has been the law of the land since the Roe vs. Wade decision in 1973.
“Roe vs. Wade said a woman has a right to her privacy and a right to choose,” Alito said as he took a chaw of tobacky. “Giving women rights is just not right. Do you think my little missy knows what’s good for her? No, sir. She needs to ask my permission for any decision. And I think that’s what our forefathers would have wanted.”
Alito also believes rape and incest victims must bear the child. “It’s not her decision if she doesn’t want the baby. It’s the father’s decision. And sometimes the father is her father. And everyone knows that father always knows best.”
Four other conservative judges agree with Alito’s decision. Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett all believe women should do as they’re told.
“We all lied about believing Roe vs. Wade was settled law to get our way onto the Supreme Court,” said Justice Kavanaugh, as Justices Thomas and Gorsuch held his feet for a keg stand. “Now it is finally time to do the job we were sent here by The Federalist Society to do.”
Justice Barrett said she believes women need to know their place. “Let’s remember history. Eve was made from Adam’s rib. So, naturally, you have to stand by your man.”
Justice Alito doesn’t think there will be any blowback when his majority decision becomes official.
“Women won’t care about this ruling,” he says. “And if they do raise a stink, so what? The little ladies don’t vote.” He smiles. “Not for long anyway.” The smug man pauses. “And besides, I’m here for life to decide what’s best for them.”
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