Mehmet Oz, the Republican candidate for US Senate in Pennsylvania, recently claimed that he thought the state was on The Atlantic coastline. But rather than admit he doesn’t know dick about The Keystone State, he did what his master, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Trump, would do. He doubled down on the falsehood.
“When I was a kid, I loved surfing the PA beaches,” Oz tells The Lint Screen. “It was cool, daddy-o, to ride those wet waves of water while I ate the famous Pittsburgh cheesesteak sandwich. I swear, Pretzelvania has some of the best surfing in America, dude!”
Oz, who has his primary home in New Jersey, says he has always loved living in the state he wants to represent in the Senate.
“Pretzelvania has a long and proud history,” he says. “This is where Ben Franklin invented the Franklin Mint. And chocolate mint ice cream too. And a long time ago in Philodendron, our forefathers came to sign their names on that old yellow document––it was some sort of declaration. Then they celebrated by cracking the Liquidity Bell.”
The huckster cocks his head, and places a finger in the air. He’s had another thought. “And let’s not forget,” Oz says, “Pencilvania is also the birthplace of pencils! That’s the kind of important American history we should teach our kids, and we will when I get elected!”
The New Jersey quack busted for selling snake oil medicine also says he is an avid fan of the state’s sports teams.
“The Pittsburgh Pirates are an incredible football team,” he crows, giving two thumbs up. “They’re named the Pirates because Pittsburgh is on The Atlantic Ocean, and lots of the citizens have eyepatches and parrots on their shoulders. And, of course, I also love the Philadelphia Beagles. I’ve been crazy about beagles since I was a kid and fell head over heels for Snoopy! He was so funny I didn’t have to torture or kill the cartoon dog testing my bogus products.”
Oz is projecting the image of an ordinary man in his campaign against John Fetterman.
“There is nothing I like better than watching a sporting competition,” he says. “I like to unwind with some savory crudités and an ice-cold Rolling City Iron Rock Beer.” He laughs. “That’s my idea of heaven, let me tell you, by golly, gumbo, boy howdy, y’all. I’m just a regular fellow!”
The huckster gives a wide smile. “No one knows the state of Pretzelvania better than me. Surf’s up. Let’s grab a board and hit the waves!”
Oz is doing the Republican Party proud.
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