George Senate candidate Hershel Walker appeared in Dalton recently to make his final case for why he deserves the vote of all Georgians.
“We got a problem, y’all,” he told a roomful of senior citizens bussed in from local nursing homes. “There are all these vampires out there, and let me tell ya, they’re wanting to bite us on our neck! They’re gonna suck our blood, suck us dry. That ain’t gonna feel so good now, is it?”
The anti-vampire crowd booed. Hershel held up his arms to quiet his people.
“Now, I don’t blame y’all,” he said. “No one wants no vampire sinking his teeth in their neck, no sir! And ya know, it don’t have to be that way, not if you send ol’ Hershel here to the–” a nervous Walker looks at his campaign manager, Buddy Wipstetter, who stage whispers, “Senate.”
“…not if you send ol’ Hershel to the send-it?” Walker looks confused and turns to his portly handler. “Buddy, that don’t make no sense. They can’t send me to the ‘send-it’ cuz I done already been sent.”
“Senate, Hershel,” Wipstetter clarified. “You’re running for the Senate, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right.” Hershel laughs. “Forget what I said about the send-it. My campaign guy over there made a mistake. You gonna send me to the Senate.”
The crowd cheers.
“If you give me your support, I can go to–” he looks at Wipsetter. “Where am I going again?”
“Washington,” the campaign manager said.
“Washington,” Hershel says confidently. “Now, a lot of people don’t know this, but Washington’s also the name of an apple. Washington apples and let me tell ya they’re mighty good. Washington is also the name of a president, I think. That’s right, Buddy, isn’t it?”
“Right, Hershel. Absolutely.”
The candidate smiles. “See? Washington was a president, and I reckon he’s the one who grew those tasty apples we’re all eating. And I don’t think he was no vampire. But I’ll tell ya what, folks–– I ain’t so sure about Rev. Warnock. He just might be a neck biter.”
The crowd laughs.
“If y’all vote for me,” Hershel said, closing his persuasive argument, “I’ll turn into a werewolf and take care of all them nasty vampires. Ol’ Hershel’s gonna save your necks.”
The crowd cheers.
“And I’m going to fight the zombies, too,” Hershel says. “Cause they’re also a load of trouble.”
Buddy Wipsetter quickly ushers Hershel offstage as the crowd roars on a rainy night in Georgia.
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