Following her fatalistic response to President Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, Alabama Republican Sen. Katie Britt became an instant global superstar. The reviews of her bombastic performance scaring Americans were breathless.
“A star is born,” raved GOP Starwatcher Magazine.
“Katie cooked Joe’s goose but good! Bravo, Queen of Doom and Gloom!!!” gushed MAGA Guns & Outrage Digest.
“My Bama Baby Katie is a very special person,” said disgraced ex-President Donald Trump. “I’m keeping an eye on her as a potential sister wife.”
Because of her instant celebrity, major product brands clamored to sign her as their spokesperson, and after intense negotiations, Sen. Britt decided to sign with The Coca-Cola Company.
“I’ve always cherished my Cokes,” Katie tells The Lint Screen. “I love that afterburn when I burp. It thrills me to no end!”
Here is a script of her first commercial for the Atlanta-based beverage brand.
KB: This is the kitchen table where my family and I have the tough conversations about what soda to drink. Like many Americans, we hold hands and pray for God’s guidance. And the Almighty told us there was really only one choice––genuine Coca-Cola products. He said that Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, and Shasta are Satan’s elixirs. Drinking those evil liquids will lead to eternal damnation in H-E-double hockey sticks. But enjoying refreshing, delicious Coca-Cola products guarantees safe passage through The Pearly Gates and a reserved seat at the right hand of God where His eternal banquet table serves flowing pitchers of ice-cold Diet Coke, Classic Coca-Cola, Coke Zero, or any of the other 4,214 flavor varieties. I can’t think of a happier reward. Do the right thing for your family and their souls––buy only Coca-Cola products for lip-smackin’ refreshments that last an eternity. (BURPS) Ahh, that’s the stuff.
Sen. Britt’s agent, Bobby Mercer Abbott, said the political star is also close to inking an endorsement deal with Adam & Eve Stores.
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.