First, it was killing a “rambunxious, joyful” puppy, and then a “disgusting, musky, rancid” goat, and now, in her revealing upcoming book, South Dakota Republican Gov. Kristi Noem confesses to “putting down” her youngest child.
“Brian was always our wild child,” Noem writes in her book, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong With Politics and How We Move America Forward. “But as hard as I tried for five long years to get him to obey me, he refused and threw temper tantrums. I was beside myself! This wild child was rowdy and disobedient.”
The woman with new store-bought shiny white teeth explains more in this exclusive advance copy obtained by The Lint Screen.
“I warned Brian he’d better straighten up and fly right,” she explains in a gripping book passage. “But that little snot refused to listen to his mother. At first, I sentenced him to a few hours in time-out corner, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept acting childish. So, I put him in a dog cage for a few days, but that only made him more disobedient. I wondered if Cricket had left an evil spirit in the cage. Then Brian willfully drew outside the lines in his coloring book. At that moment, I knew I had to take him to the gravel pit. What else could I do?”
The gravel pit is where she did her killing. And little Brian didn’t know what he was in for.
“Do I wish Brian had listened to his Mommy and obeyed? Yes.” she writes. “But if a child doesn’t know proper behavior after five years, what’s a parent supposed to do? I am not an enabler. I’m not a pushover, either. And I’m certainly not afraid to make the tough decisions. That’s what true leaders do! So, I did what I felt I had to, and I wish Brian had learned his lesson before it came to that. We gave him a nice send-off with a little service in the gravel pit.”
Many believe Noem’s upcoming book was written to prove her qualifications as “a tough person ready to do what’s necessary” to make America right again and please presumptive Republican candidate Donald Trump in his quest to get re-elected. But because of the public outrage at her cruelty, her dream has backfired in MAGA nation.
“I can’t pick Kristi,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Not after she does something so politically stupid. You never, never, never put anything in writing. That’s how they get you. Now, she’s learning a very hard lesson. And her future hope as my V.P. is dead. Dying like a dog.”
Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
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