Questions leaked as a nation holds its breath for the debate

In an investigative journalism coup, The Lint Screen has acquired an advance copy of the questions for tonight’s debate on CNN with moderators Dana Bush and Jake Tapper.

1. Who won the last election? No, seriously, who? Come on. Really?
2. Was the United States Capitol invasion on January 6, 2021, an attempted coup, an insurrection, or an incredible demonstration of patriotism following the worst cheating in a presidential election in American history?
3. Did Oz really “give nothing to the Tin Man?” And if so, was it nothing that he didn’t already have? Please explain.
4. Was the J6 Prison Choir better when they were acoustic or when they went electric?
5. Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco, 1,853 miles away. One train is traveling at 68 mph, the other 72 mph. Who is the president of France? Show your work.
6. Electrocution by battery or take your chances swimming with a shark?
7. Swimming with sharks or fighting windmills?
8. Windmills or handshakes?
9. How many states are in the United States of America? Which ones are democracies? Please name the state bird and flower of each.
10. Who was your favorite Beatle, and why?
11. What is the largest prime number you can think of right now?
12. Superman faces Spiderman in a fight––who wins? Show your work.
13. What classic movie has the famous last line, “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
14. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could negotiate world peace––would you approve?
15. The American people have entrusted each of you with our nuclear weapons. Was that a mistake?
16. What is your favorite color? Are you sure? Think about this. Final answer? Any rebuttal?
17. If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, how do you explain this outrageous exchange rate?
18. How many felonies do you have? Be exact.
19. Sopranos, The Wire, or Breaking Bad––which show had the talking unicorn?
20. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten––what is it? I should mention it’s a fraction.

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.