What a topsy-turvy time it’s been for GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. He survived an assassination attempt, chose hillbilly Yale-educated tech bro JD Vance as his running mate, had a raucous Republican National Convention, and prepared to unleash MAGA forces on his behalf against 81-year-old President Joe Biden.

Then, everything changed. 

Biden announced he was stepping down from the ticket and endorsed VP Kamala Harris. The Democratic Party rallied around her, and now the race could be a generational battle between the 78-year-old Trump and the 59-year-old Harris.

Then everything changed again. Trump tells The Lint Screen he is now officially 53 years old.

“My birth certificate was lost,” he says, “but Melania found it in an old box. According to my birth records, I was born in 1971. So I’m six years younger than Harris, who is way over the hill. She’s completely out of it. I know you’re supposed to be kind to your elders, but I intend to beat her like a drum in the 2024 race.”

Rep. Ronny Jackson, a doctor, confirms the validity of the birth certificate.

“I can say it’s 100% authentic,” Jackson says. “And in my medical opinion, President Trump is in exceptional health for a 53-year-old man. I feel sorry for Kamala Harris because he will run circles around her.”

“Too bad old Joe ran away,” Trump brags. “He knew I would win in a landslide again, just like in 2020 when Biden stole the election from me. Now, I’m going to take it out on Harris. She’s not like us. We can’t have her in the presidency. She should be home cooking and cleaning for her husband.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.