Pennsylvanians were recently treated to over a 90-minute speech by convicted felon and sexual assaulter GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

“The lamestream media says I ramble in my speeches,” Trump told his captivated audience. “They’re too stupid to understand. I talk about one thing, and then another. And another and another and another and another and another. Then, I weave them all together. Like a beautiful talk tapestry. What a great album that was. Carole King is related to Nat King Cole and King Crab. Most people don’t know that. I’m so smart.”

Trump pointed to his head.”Very smart,” he continued. “But Commie-a-Lotta-Big-Lots, she can’t do what I do. She wants to kill Americans. Kill you and your family. She’s not so nice. A nasty woman. Very nasty. People come up to me all the time with tears in their eyes, and they say, ‘Sir, thank you for saving America. We love you. You are the best president ever, much better than Lincoln.’ I bet old Abe wished he didn’t go to plays so much.” He smiles.

“My uncle taught at M.I.T. A brilliant man. Smarter than Einstein or Musk. He invented gravity, my uncle, and push-up bras, plus those little plastic floss sticks and many other things. Many, many things. Amazing inventions. I asked him once why sharks don’t like electricity, and he was amazed. ‘No one’s ever asked me that before. What a brilliant question, Donald. I don’t know why sharks don’t like electricity.’ He shook his head. I stumped him. But I’ll tell you one thing–– I’m much smarter than a shark. But I wouldn’t want a shark in my pool. I could kill him with enough chlorine. I’m an excellent swimmer. I could have won many races in the Olympics, but I’m not such a fan of France. President Macaroon. He’s not so great. But I do like his cookies. Very tasty. They should make coconut milkshakes. That’s a billion-dollar idea, McDonald’s. You’re welcome. I am a genius businessman. I don’t like figs. Worst food ever. You give me a Fig Newton, and I’ll stamp on it. Hate them…”

He babbled for another 87 minutes, weaving away, and then he treated his fans to some dance moves.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.