It seems like GOP V.P. candidate JD Vance can’t catch a break these days.
“The media’s out to get me,” Vance tells The Lint Screen, perhaps the world’s only trusted fake news source. “Harris and Walz call me weird. Well, let me tell you something; they’re the weird ones,” JD says as he stuffs a live chipmunk into his pants.
Vance had made headlines recently following the tragic shooting in a Georgia school that left two students and two teachers dead.
“Kids and guns, what the heck are you going to do?” he asks casually. “They go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Plus, firearms make great gifts at Christmas. I grew up in a house with lots of loaded weapons, and I turned out fine. The real problem in schools is the libraries. We need more book censorship to keep our kids safe. There’s no telling what could happen if a kid reads the wrong thing we haven’t approved.”
Vance was also lambasted for saying that grandparents should be more involved in raising their grandchildren.
“People can’t expect the government to help raise their kids,” he says. “We’ve got to get these lazy grandparents out of their easy chairs and take care of the next generation. Aunts and uncles, too. Mom and Dad need more free time to work a few jobs and make ends meet so we can give hefty tax breaks to the wealthy and corporations for stock buybacks. That’s how you boost the economy so the wealth trickles down for everyone!”
Finally, JD takes great umbrage at those who thought his recent order in a donut shop was unnatural.
“That was totally unfair,” he says, applying mascara and tangerine lip gloss. “I love those balls of fat fried in hot grease. I do! Let me be clear: I approve of the holed and un-holed varieties, okay? And I like the glazed round ones, the sprinkly things, and whatever else makes sense for human being consumption.”
Vance takes a deep breath and purses his lips.
“There’s nothing weird about me or President Trump,” he says. “We’re a couple of normal ostriches–– this is an expression, right?”
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.