GOP Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance got all gussied up this week for his debate with everyman Democratic V.P. nominee Tim Walz.

Vance even went to Sephora for some new Lancôme mascara and eyeliner for the special occasion. His sugar daddy, Peter Thiel, bought him a brand new tailormade Italian suit costing $4,800.

Walz bought a new set of fancy dress duds at Jos. A. Banks during its BUY ONE SUIT, GET THREE FREE sale. The fight was on.

The men shook hands, and the moderators, Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan, “had the outrageous audacity to fact-check me,” according to Vance.

“No fair,” he whined afterward. “I’m up there trying to gaslight America, working to sell bullshit like Trump saved Obamacare, January 6 was no biggie, Trump left office peacefully, and illegal immigrants are eating pets in Springfield, Ohio–– but those meanies fact-checked me on the illegal immigrants thing. They said the people were here legally. While that may be true, it ruined my lying and made me look bad to the bossman. Facts are the absolute worst when it comes to debating.”

Walz toasted Vance at the debate’s end when he asked if he believed Trump won the 2020 election.

“I’m thinking about the future, Tim,” Vance said. “Not the past.” He then pointed off-stage. “Hey, look––squirrel!” The camera stayed on his face, and he sobbed as his mascara began running. “Why didn’t anyone look?”

It was quite a night. Now, America can choose which truth they want to live with.

“Trust us,” Vance says reassuringly. “We’re honest. I swear to God!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.