“I’m protecting woman at gunpoint if I have to,” crazed old guy says

Donald J. Trump loves women.

“Oh, how I love them, ladies,” the GOP presidential candidate tells The Lint Screen. “I love them so much I want to protect them all the time. I give them so much protection. The best protection. And if they resist, I’ll threaten to shoot them in a firing squad. That’s how serious I am about protecting America’s women.”

The senile old man likes to cosplay, and his new character is pretending to be a tough guy protector.

“Women love me,” he says. “They let me do whatever I want. That’s why I’m the father of IVF. Or is it UHF? VHF? Something with an ‘F.’ I’m going to protect women whether they want me to or not, and I’ll be making all their health decisions so they don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about it.”

Melania Trump was asked about her husband’s ability to protect women.

“Who?” she responded. “Oh, yeah. Him. Donald. My ‘husband.'” She pauses as an aide rushes in and whispers in her ear. “Sure. Why not? I guess so.” The aide whispers again. “Donald is a very good protector of women.”

Will women buy Trump protection service at the ballot box? Stay tuned.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.