J. Edgar Hoover broke a world record today when his dead body was clocked spinning at 43,000 RPM. This will be Hoover’s second entry into the record books. His first was being named Best Dressed Head of An Intelligence Agency. The portrait of J. Edgar in a sheer black gown is breathtaking.
Hoover was spinning in his grave when he heard Christopher Wray announce he was leaving his post as FBI Director before Donald Trump assumes office.
“My departure has nothing to do with fearing ‘payback’ from President Trump,” Wray says with jazz hands. “I’m leaving because I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” He darts a glance over his shoulder. “Plus, I’m a very brave man.”
Wray tells The Lint Screen he was enticed to leave his position by “a unique opportunity falling into my lap.” The top cop explains.
“Jerry Stunkirk, the President of our Home Owners Association, approached me recently after Jell-o Salad Club and asked if I might be interested in being the head of the neighborhood watch. I dropped my cup of fruit punch, smacked my forehead, and said, ‘You betcha, I’d love being head of the neighborhood watch!’ I’ve been on Cloud 9 since then.”
When asked about any fears he might have of Trumping seeking revenge, Wray was cool.
“Oh, no,” the FBI Director says. “Donald Trump is an honorable man. A great man. And I don’t know what the heck I was thinking when I authorized a raid of his personal home. That was foolish of me. Cripes, I committed the crime, not him! Duh, what a bonehead I am, right?”
Wray squirms. “I regret any investigations the FBI made into Trump’s affairs because the deep state was terribly mistaken. And probably politically motivated. All cases must be dropped, and the records must be destroyed. It is the only way to handle these matters of gross and blatant injustice. Donald Trump is always innocent of any wrongdoing. ALWAYS!”
He sits upright and wags his finger. “And all you kids who live in my neighborhood, you better watch yourselves,” he grins. “Because I’ll be watching you.” The silly man giggles.
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.