Pete Hegseth is sick and tired of “the outrageous accusations” that he shared classified attack plans on Houthi rebels in Yemen on Signal, an unsecured encrypted app.
“I’m being viciously attacked for nothing,” the ex-Fox anchor and now Sec. of Defense tells The Lint Screen. “Everyone knows that Signal is safe, and the information I shared with other officials was absolutely not classified. It was just when and where we were planning to attack enemy combatants. No biggie. I don’t know why everyone’s got their panties in a knot.”
Somehow, Trump’s Keystone Kops Kabinet officials included Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of Atlantic magazine, on its text chain.
“Goldberg should be sent to the El Salvador prison for Venezulian gang members,” Hegseth claims. “The guy is a scumbag who committed treason when he released the information. I’m talking with President Trump about how we deal with this traitor.”
Because so many people seem to think communicating top-secret information on Signal is a lousy idea, Hegseth has a brilliant solution.
“I’ve started a private Facebook group for Cabinet officials,” the slick-backed smoothie says. “It’ll be even better than Signal, and we can share more cool emojis. We can even use funny memes from The Office and other popular shows and movies. Those things crack me up! And since it’s PRIVATE, we don’t have to worry about buttisnkis like Goldberg breaking in and ratting us out. That guy is the worst.”
Sounds like a plan, Pete. You’re doing a helluva job!
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