Month: May 2025

“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”

“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”

President Donald Trump claims that Joe Biden left him a country in shambles. “Biden was awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He was the worst president ever. He drove the country into a depression, the greatest depression ever, and I got stuck with fixing the huge disasters he made.” Trump was especially outraged to hear … Read more

Donald J. Trump, who was born into fabulous wealth, thinks American children are “spoiled rotten.” His tariff war will have casualties: fewer gifts under the Christmas tree. “Kids have 8,000 dolls,” the criminal grinch grifter tells The Lint Screen, “and then they take one of their 50,000 pencils and write Christmas wish lists for even … Read more