Patel Reveals, “The Epstein Files Are Mostly Recipes”

Captain Cankles sure knows how to pick “the very best people.”

Dictator Donald Trump, close friend of pedophile sex-trafficker Jeff Epstein, named Kash Patel, a man with absolutely no criminal justice experience, to lead the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

“Kash wrote wonderful children’s books about me,” Trump says, grinning. “I loved that. Indoctrinate the kids young. Brainwash early and often, I always say.”

When he was a podcaster, Patel ranted and raved for the release of the entire Epstein files, a massive collection of emails, texts, correspondence, pictures, and names of people who engaged in illegal affairs with the noted perv. He believed the files would topple the Democratic Party. But now that Patel is Trump’s bitch, he’s singing a different tune.

“There’s nothing in them,” Patel swears. “The Epstein Files are mostly recipes and grocery store newspaper ads. I guess he liked BOGOs.”

The slimy weasel was grilled by House Representatives today about releasing all the files.

“I’d love to do that,” Patel said, “but I think many of the recipes are classified. They contain all sorts of secret ingredients. I’d hate for that stuff to get out. We must respect Epstein’s wishes.”

When asked if Trump’s name appeared in the files, Patel shakes his head.

“No, absolutely not. The President is beyond reproach. He’s a god. And when he’s gone, I’ll see him in Valhalla.”

This dude is weird.

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