“I didn’t know Epstein, the whole thing is a Democrat hoax. Enough! Shut up!”

Donald Trump is sweating orange.

The heat has been turning up on the convicted felon and sex offender who resides in a gaudy gold office, as Congress passed a resolution to release the Epstein files. The Senate then unanimously approved the measure, and now it is headed to the Oval Office for Trump’s signature.

“I don’t know if I’ll sign it or not,” Trump says. “I have a lot of paperwork to get through, and this thing sounds like it’s not that important. Who cares what some dead guy did anyway? He’s dead, let God sort it out. I’m busy cutting grocery prices. No one ever even thought about groceries until Trump; I invented the word, and now I’m saving Americans 1,200, even 1,500 percent on their groceries. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

Trump doesn’t understand why everyone is so obsessed about the Epstein files.

“I’m completely innocent,” he says, waving his hands like a wind-up monkey. “And if my name is in the files, it’s fake. AI. It’s the same thing if there are pictures of me with young girls. I love my wife, what’s her name, very much. Any pictures of me with Epstein or young girls are phony. The Democrats did that with computers. You can do anything with computers. I invented computers, and they’re fantastic things, but they’re dangerous in the wrong hands, like the Democrats, who are out to get Trump. But I’m very innocent. Ghislaine Maxwell said so! She never lies.”

Trump begins blotting perspiration from his forehead with his ridiculously long necktie.

“Why’s it so goddamn hot in here?” he asks an aide. “Turn on the AC, stupid, before I fire you. Where’s Mike Johnson? Get that maggot in here. NOW!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.