When he is not causing chaos on Earth, convicted felon, sexual assaulter, and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump often wonders if he’ll be getting into heaven after death. The answer has come in from high above.
“No. Hell, no,” responds Saint Pearly from The Pearly Gates.
The keeper of the keys to The Golden Kingdom said he has been contacted repeatedly by expensive lawyers representing Trump.
“These slick guys offered me cash, Trump crypto, and cars,” the saint tells The Lint Screen. “They say Trump is willing to do just about anything to get into heaven. He wants to make a deal. I reported these offers to The Big Guy, who immediately placed two thumbs down. He said Trump has caused incredible pain and suffering on Earth, and he must pay the price for his lifetime of egregious sin. His decisions are final and everlasting.”
When St. Peter gave the judgment, Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed, saying they “would take the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.”
“Seriously?” the disciple and Gate Keeper laughed. “Who do these people think they are? Six of those judges will be joining Trump in the lakes of eternal fire. They’d better hope their black robes are made of asbestos.”
St. Peter grins.
“Mr. Trump’s curiosity about his whereabouts in the afterlife will be settled soon enough,” he said. “And that should give humanity some relief.”
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