President Donald J. Trump tells The Lint Screen, “History made me for this moment because I’m a fantastic wartime president. Many people say the greatest one ever, much better than Abe Lincoln or FDR, because I understand what it means to show bravery under fire.”
Although Trump never served in the military, he claims he’s battle-tested.
“I couldn’t serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the incredible pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines, or those other things. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”
Trump shakes his head as he recalls his fantasy.
“So as much as I wanted to do it, I couldn’t serve in the military,” the charlatan smiles. “But I could serve my country in other ways– by building my real estate empire. I employed millions of people and fueled the American economy like no one’s ever seen before. Trump saved our economy many times. If you watched my huge hit TV show The Apprentice, you know how deadly boardroom battles can be. And no one won more big business wars than Trump.”
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson suddenly pops up from beneath the table.
“That’s right, sir,” the bespeckled weenie bootlicker says, wiping his mouth. “You are the absolute best at everything you do. You are amaz–”
“Shut up, Mike,” Trump says, waving a dismissive hand. “And get me a Diet Coke. Now!”
The little man scurries away as Trump crosses his arms.
“Americans have nothing to worry about in Iran,” he says, adjusting his MAGA hat. “Trump knows how to win wars, because he’s the Peace President. And I have the FIFA and Nobel Peace Prize to prove it.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham appears from beneath the table and says, “I just love me a big, brave man. In a very heterosexual way.”
Trump does a double-take. “Who the hell else is down under there?”
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.
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