The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Nigerian Prince Admits Deception

    Prince confesses math weakness
    Prince confesses math weakness

    Baginza Washoobi, a wealthy Nigerian prince who has sent personal emails to many people worldwide, today admitted that he lied.

    “I miscalculated my net worth,” the embarrassed prince told The Lint Screen. “I have been telling people my family fortune is forty-six million U.S. dollars, but actually, I’m afraid it is closer to forty-five million U.S. dollars. I most sincerely apologize for this misunderstanding. Apparently my math skills are not as gooder as my English.”

    The prince said he will happily share his family fortune with anyone who provides him with his or her financial information. “The banking laws in my country do not allow for the funds to be withdrawn by myself. Otherwise, I would be happy to give all of my financial holdings to a fortunate recipient. Instead, I must have help from someone with a U.S. banking relationship. Once I have the proper account numbers and passwords, I can easily transfer my sizable wealth. And I am most anxious to do so!”

    The Lint Screen thinks Prince Washoobi passes the sniff test. He appears to be an honest chap. Our editorial staff suggests that parties interested in securing a fabulous fortune contact the good prince immediately. Simply share your financial records and passwords with bwashoobi@aol.com

  • 11 Little Know Facts About The Beatles

    This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared
    This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared

    For over fifty years, the world has been awash in The Beatles. You thought you’d heard everything, but maybe not. The Lint Screen has unearthed the following eleven nuggets for your enlightenment.
    1. The band’s original name was Yanni
    2. John did not want to release the first Beatles album on vinyl, he suggested they be ahead of their time and release a CD–– his mates voted him down
    3. The band’s manager, Brian Epstein, had lobster claws for hands and four small glands that secreted drawn butter
    4. McCartney’s favorite Beatle was Micky Dolenz
    5. George Martin, the band’s longtime producer, had a mapcap sense of humor. He would often pretend to be clumsy and erase all the takes of a long day and night’s session, much to the band’s dismay and anger.
    6. Ringo had a tail and held secret from the rest of the band for six years
    7. George Harrison sought psychiatric attention for his guitar because of its constant weeping; soon thereafter, the instrument was fed a steady diet of antidepressants
    8. The Beatles were illiterate and cursive handwriting made them giggle
    9. The original title of the song “Help!” was “Not To Be A Bother But Might I Request Some Possible Assistance, Please, If You Don’t Mind Terribly”
    10. In 1964, there were 16,712 confirmed deaths due to acute Beatlemania
    11. Lennon was known for his sharp wit as evidenced by “The Daily Mirror” reporter who asked him his favorite color and John’s responded by slashing his face with a switchblade razor and dousing the scribe in petrol then lighting him afire. Truly, John Lennon could be a saucy scamp!

  • Boehner Sues LeBron James

    LeBron accused of acting like "a king"
    LeBron accused of acting like “a king”

    Speaker of the House John Boehner is keeping his legal team busy. Now he’s suing both President Obama and NBA superstar LeBron James.

    In a lawsuit filed earlier today, Boehner claims “LeBron is acting like a King, even pronouncing himself ‘King James’. He seems to think that he can claim whatever domain he likes, moving from Miami to Cleveland and doing whatever he wants. But this is America, and we fought the British to ensure we’d never live under a king’s rule again, or have to eat crumpets or watercress sandwiches with no crusts! I want to bring LeBron James back down to size!”

    Later in the day, Boehner also filed lawsuits against a Starbucks barista, a convenience store clerk and a 16-year old kid working a McDonald’s drive through window. The House Speaker said “all of them were acting like kings! They had haughty attitudes like then expected me to drink tea at four in the afternoon and ride in fox hunts wearing tight slacks. They seemed very self important. This has got to stop! This is not the America our forefathers did stuff for.”

  • RomCom Yuckfest

    Ain't romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!
    Ain’t romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!

    For anyone who’s suffered through mindless romantic comedies, They Came Together covers some familiar territories with sharp sarcastic teeth.

    It does for the genre what Airplane did for disaster movies (not nearly as hilarious, but with plenty of laughs, characters and memorable scenes). Just to be clear, this is not a classic like Airplane, but it’s got many more laughs than most contemporary comedies.

    If you’re looking for a fun way to spend 83 minutes, grab this baby on demand and let Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader, Ed Helms, Ken Marino and over a dozen more comic actors deliver the goods.

    The plot is as stupid as any modern romcom, and the script by Michael Showalter and David Wain (who also directed) delivers sophomoric laughs throughout. This is mindless entertainment at its best.

    Order it up and enjoy the ride.

  • Boehner Blasts Obama For USA Weakness in World Cup

    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA soccer loss
    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA World Cup soccer loss

    U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

    Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

    “Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

    Boehner wept.

  • Monsanto Develops New ‘Seeds of Democracy’

    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!
    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!

    With crisis raging through Iraq after over a decade of military intervention, a trillion dollars spent and the loss of priceless American lives, it appears “the seeds of democracy” have not taken root. But that’s about to change.

    Monsanto, the multinational agrochemical and agricultural biotechnology corporation, has announced it has developed “genetically modified seeds of democracy that will flourish in even the harshest of political conditions. Sand, dirt, rock or even harder substances–– like the skulls of religious zealots. It really doesn’t matter, these seeds will grow anywhere!”

    The miracle seeds will be sold to the U.S. Government “For such a deal, maybe two to three hundred bucks less than a trillion dollar war,” said a sales/marketing representative for Monsanto. An attorney quickly jumped in. “And once these seeds are planted, we own wherever democracy grows,” the legal beagle barked. “In fact, we’ll own any damn place that democracy has already taken root. That’s the Monsanto way!”

    Washington in abuzz with political chatter about “the magic seeds of democracy” and is expecting to soon be slathered in a flood of lobbyist funds to “help better inform” their decisions.

    The prospects for government purchase of Monsanto’s new seeds is looking strong.