The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Zombies Coming to Downton

    The Downton crew will be scattering for dear life soon as walkers invade.
    The Downton crew will soon be scattering for dear life as hungry walkers invade.

    Guess who's coming to dinner?
    Guess who’s coming to dinner?

    Julian Fellowes, creator and writer of the popular series Downton Abbey has been under fire recently for the boredom he’s brought to the usual scintillating programing of PBS. Season Four has been lambasted as “a snooze fest” and “a royal bore.”

    But Fellowes has a plan to kick up the action.

    “In last week’s episode, Mr. Bates went off and suddenly his wife’s rapist, Mr. Green died by mysteriously stepping in front of a lorry,” said Fellowes as he made formed his long figertips into church steeples. “Well, this week, Mister Green returns–– as a zombie,” the British writer said with an evil cackle.

    Fellowes explained that Mr. Green will seek revenge for his murder at the hands of Mr. Bates, and that his appetite for human flesh will cause a chain reaction of death and zombie re-birth that will make Downton Abbey popular and gripping again for fans and critics alike. He is confident it will silence his critics.

    “The thing is, these zombies have the most atrocious dining manners. It will be positively repulsive for the Dowager Countess and Lord and Lady Grantham to tolerate. Oh, Mr. Carson and Lady Mary will be quite beside themselves. It will be delightful fun watching as the zombie plot unfold.”

    Tune in tonight.

  • Ken Upset By Barbie SI Cover

    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide
    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide

    His face may be plastic, but that doesn’t mean Barbie doll’s main man, Ken, can’t cry.

    “I can’t believe she did this to me,” said a visibly distraught Ken as he drank from a bottle of Wild Turkey. “You think you know someone, and she goes and does something like this–– parading herself almost nude to the world. It’s outrageous. I mean, I’ve been with her like half a century. Cripes, I got myself fixed and everything. Now she goes and does this. I can’t believe how she’s betrayed me,” Ken said lighting a Lucky Strike and gulping from his liquor bottle like a ‘lil Baby Burpee doll.

    “I’ve got half a mind to dump her. I mean, come on, I know what guys do when the swimsuit issue comes out, and that’s no sport that needs illustrated.” Ken fell off his bar stool and sobbed as he wet himself.

    Barbie could not be reached for comment.

  • Putin Wins Gold Medal

    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal
    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal

    Rooskie #1, Vladimir Putin, has scored a first for world leaders by snagging the first gold medal at the Sochi Olympic Games.

    “I defy anyone to find another country’s president who ever won any medal in Olympics history,” said a beaming Putin as he wore his gold medal on his bare chest with erect nipples responding to the cool Sochi breezes. “You think Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Merkel, Peres or Pope Francis could compete on the same level I can? And what of these so-called athletes who train their entire lives? Yes, they too are made to look foolish by my magnificence and humble, giving nature,” Putin said lighting a cigarette and kicking a stray dog.

    Indeed, fact checkers with The Lint Screen could find no record of a world leader even competing in the Olympics, except for Calvin Coolidge who had a tepid performance in the wrestling competition of the 1924 Summer games in Paris.

    As for Putin, the audience did not witness what he did to earn his medal, but the judges awarded it to him in a unanimous decision. “President Putin is truly a marvel of athleticism,” said one Russian judge. “If he chose to, I have no doubt he would win all the gold medals and in fact we would have to mine for more gold–– his glory is that impressive!”

    Putin bowed his head as he listened to the compliments laid at his altar. The Russian leader looked up and added, “Yes, and I am also not gay!”

  • Super Un-Bowled

    A few lessons learned from watching Super Bowl commercials (huh?)
    A few lessons learned from watching Super Bowl commercials (huh?)

    Chalk another Super Bowl ROMAN NUMERAL SOMETHING OR OTHER into the history books. The Seahawks blew the Broncos off the field. When your opening snap leads to a safety, you know you’re in for a long night.

    Since the game was a blow-out, America was ready for the Super Bowl of commercials, and they got served a tepid bowl of meh.

    In year’s past, The Lint Screen has done a blow-by-blow of all the spots aired, but not this time. No, I’m on an Atlanta Ad Club panel discussion tomorrow night of the S.B. spots so I wanted complete and total focus (or at least the best I can muster).

    I will say precious little impressed and I have these few observations after sitting through the gaggle of spots.

    1. Celebrities does not a concept make. It would be nice if star power met idea power.
    2. Wrapping your brand in the American flag can feel very cloying and disingenuous.
    3. You’d better tell your story visually. Many people watch the game at parties or in bars or other public places meaning they may not hear your voiceover copy. So what are you communicating visually?
    4. Relevance is key. There were so many spots where the product’s relevance was M.I.A. Bill Bernbach said “Be provocative. But be sure your provocativeness stems from your product. You are NOT right if in your ad you stand a man on his head JUST to get attention. You ARE right if you have him on his head to show how your product keeps things from falling out of his pockets.”
    5. You can’t rely on the Hail Mary of a product shot to seal the deal. See point #4.
    6. Maybe the best way to create a Super Bowl spot is to not create a Super Bowl spot. Yes, it’s Zen, but I suspect because the stakes are so high creatives and clients fall into these bad habits of trying to do things in an even more spectacular fashion. Ideas first. Ideas first.

    That is all, for now. Try and make it to Monday Night Brewing if your Atlanta tomorrow. Thanks.

  • Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Show

    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he'll am-scray!
    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he’ll am-scray!

    Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and the guest of honor has said he won’t show.

    Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who the world watches every February 2nd, has issued a press release stating he won’t cast a shadow (or not) tomorrow morning. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the marmot’s release states, “I’ve read about all these drone attacks. I’m not about to be a target.”

    A doctor close to the famous groundhog said that he has been suffering panic attacks lately and fears for his life.

    Punxsutawney Phil goes on to state, “I see what happens to guys who live in caves. I read how Edward Snowden has to hide. Why of Earth should I show myself and attract attention? No thanks. Want to know the forecast? You bastards can watch the locals on the 8’s on The Weather Channel like everyone else. This furry fella’s outta here!”

    Will he show or will he surface on WikiLeaks casting tall shadows? Time will tell.

  • The Bieb Claims Chickens Caused Arrest

    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin'!
    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin’!

    Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims “fowl play” as the cause of his recent arrest for drunk driving, resisting arrest, driving without a valid license and felonious assault of boyish cuteness.

    Bieber, 19, was released on $2,500 bond and told The Lint Screen that he was “set up like a bowling pin by irate chickens.” JB claims the chicken were upset that Bieber had egged a neighbors house in the recent past and that “the chickens were kind of close to the eggs I used so they wanted revenge.”

    The pop star said that the chickens slipped moonshine liquor into his evening milk and then asked him for a ride downtown. Bieber said he liked being kind to animals and agreed to drive the chickens. He got into the car, drove, and soon after was busted. Police reports make no mention of chickens in the car or traces of feathers.

    Nonetheless, Bieber stands by his story. “Chickens did this to me. I’m innocent. Innocent and absolutely adorable,” he said combing his hair and pouting into a wall mirror.