The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • McConaughey Day Lewis

    He's scary good.
    He’s scary good.

    Matthew McConaughey used to be cast as eye candy, a guy who’d remove his shirt and let his chest do the talking. Now, he may be the most interesting actor working the screens.

    In recent years, McConaughey has built an incredible body of work by selecting interesting roles of complex characters. From The Lincoln Lawyer, to Killer Joe, to Mud, to Dallas Buyers Club to HBO’s True Detective, he has portrayed disturbed characters with pasts that make living in the present a challenge and facing the future a chore.

    He acts completely with face, eyes, body posture and voice–– a rich baritone stewed in bourbon, cigarettes, Texas heat and filtered through regrets, lost bets and tortured existence. He makes every line he speaks a self-contained story, and milks the silences as he contemplates and reveals glimpses of a wounded soul.

    Matthew McConaughey has become the real deal, an actor worth watching no matter what role he’s assuming because we know he will plumb depths of the human condition to explore and expose what it means to live.

    Matthew McConaughey may be the American Daniel Day Lewis.

  • Spam, Scam, Malware Hell

    Inspecting internet traffic at The Lint Screen offices.
    Inspecting internet traffic at The Lint Screen offices.

    Cyberbots, the NSA or evil no goodniks have apparently been attacking this website. I say apparently because I don’t really know, but some web security guard called recently from cyberspace (or San Francisco) and said he’d monitored an infection on The Lint Screen and offered his services to make the problem go away (in return for a sack of cash).

    He said it looked like some hacker placed malware on select TLS pages that may cause a Viagra ad to pop-up. Boner ads popping up? What next–– a call from the ironic pun police?

    I haven’t seen any problems, except for the usual deluge of spammers (comments like “I surprised with the research you made to create this actual post incredible. Fantastic activity!” and “es möglicherweise ein Tiffany & Co e verdammte notwendigkeit Pandora Schmuck” and “扥⁴桥籩猠浯獴楫敬礠瑨敼灥牨慰猠扥⁴桥籣潵 football clubs manchester united iphone 5s case 汤⁰潳獩扬礠扥” show an appreciation of our in-depth journalism and high artistic standards–– it’s enough to make an editor get all rainy-eyed. But as for the site itself, well, everything seems to working fine under the hood. The content seems contented.

    Are you experiencing any difficulty collecting Lint?

    Please let me know if you are. The security call could be a scam, or, in the future this site could be your portal to amazing discounts on all your erectile dysfunction medications.

    For now, I’m standing pat. Thanks for your vigilance in life during wartime.

  • 2013 Gets Bum’s Rush

    2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass out the door
    Retiring 2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass

    Traditionally, the new year is ushered in with great fanfare as the departing year enjoys the perks of riding off into the sunset of a secure retirement and fond memories of a life well-lived. But such is not the case for 2013!

    Thanks to new stringent laws, the retiring year will not receive any governmental support in its old age and its unemployment benefits will be bupkis. “Look, we don’t need no freeloaders,” said a congressional member enjoying his 128-day holiday break from the strains on halting progress in Washington, D.C.. “The old man will have to figure out how to feign for himself!”

    As the lawmaker scooped Bulgarian caviar onto an imported French cracker made from the bones of paupers, he continued his discourse. “The problem is that everyone these days has their hands out for some government dole. Well, I’m happy to say those days are gone. 2013’s a lazy old coot whose time has passed and he’d better learn how to pull himself up by the bootstraps and earn his keep,” the congressman said as he gulped Krug 1928 Champagne from a jewel encrusted 24-karat gold flute.

    The lawmaker then chortled as a manservant brought him broiled lobster tails and aged Kobe beef filet steaks. Infant 2012 was heard crying in the distance, fearful of being thrust into this world.

    Happy New Year!

  • NSA Apprehends Santa Claus

    Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.
    Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

    Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers of Canadian Whiskey and two bumps of Peruvian Avalanche).

    Claus had been under suspicion for some time and was nabbed as part of an elaborate sting operation in which NSA personnel posed as “good little boys and girls” who wanted him to come to their house late at night. The alleged children promised “cookies and milk” as bait.

    “This Claus character has been the subject of a lot of chatter on the internet,” said an NSA spokesman, “and his name has been mentioned in countless phone calls we’ve intercepted over the past weeks. Obviously, his interest in children is disturbing and given his obsession with knowing who’s been bad or good, well, we thought we’d better take him in for goodness sake. This guy’s a primetime terrorist suspect and we certainly don’t need some whack job ruining Christmas for everyone.”

  • NSA Investigating North Pole Terrorist Group

    NSA source lacked potassium
    NSA source lacked potassium

    The National Security Agency reported today that it has launched a full scale investigation into a terrorist cell group located in the North Pole region.

    “This could be huge,” said the unnamed source who stood in the shadows and spoke through a kazoo to scramble his voice.

    The anonymous source said that the NSA has been monitoring “significant chatter” and “an avalanche of mail from children” being sent to the North Pole. “The weird thing is,” said the deep throat as he peeled a banana, “there isn’t even a post office there.” He then took a big bite of the banana. “Got to get my potassium.”

    Asked if there were any details on when the terrorist group might strike, the shadowy figure shrouded himself in an invisibility cloak. “We’re pretty confident this group will mobilize on the evening of December 24.”

    This reporter then heard footsteps running away before slipping on a banana peel. The intrepid reporter heard a body thump to the pavement and as a string of obscenities were shouted.

  • Obama Blamed For Tragedies Following Turkey Pardons

    Obama pardons Popcorn, then all hell breaks loose.
    Obama pardons Popcorn, before all hell breaks loose.

    It is a White House tradition for the President to pardon a turkey just before Thanksgiving, but this year Barack Obama put a spin on it–– he had two birds with their necks on the chopping block and put it up to an internet vote which would be dressed to kill.

    Then, Obama ignored the will of the people and pardoned both “Popcorn” and “Caramel”, the two Minnesota gobblers who are now suspected in a killing rampage.

    Since the two toms flew the coop, nine turkey farmers across America have suffered mysterious and brutal deaths. The only clue at the scene of each crime has been a note in chicken-like scratch reading “Who’s sorry now?! You’ve been served by Popcorn & Caramel.”

    Authorities are looking for the big birds but have no clue as to their whereabouts. Many conservatives are blaming Obama.

    “If he hadn’t let those gobblers loose, we wouldn’t be under siege from rogue turkeys,” said one right winger. We should have been eating them, instead of feasting on fear that they’re seeking revenge.”