Randy Snogslougher changed his opinion before he snapped
For the first time in recorded history, a person’s opinion was changed at a Thanksgiving dinner.
On Thursday, November 28, at 1:42 p.m., Tom Wheddlekupp engaged in a spirited debate with his brother-in-law, Randy Snogslougher on the Affordable Care Act during his family’s annual Thanksgiving dinner celebration. The men had almost come to blows in previous years as they debated politics and religion over bites of turkey, mashed taters and cranberries, but amazingly, Snogslougher yielded to his brother-in-law and agreed that “people shouldn’t have to die because they don’t have affordable health insurance.” The table of 14 adults and the adjacent kid’s table of six was aghast at the shifted point of view.
“Most times, those two face off and don’t give an inch on nothing,” said Sarah Wheelekupp, the hostess of the dinner.
Unfortunately, at 1:56 p.m., Mr. Snogslougher brutally killed his brother-in-law with an electric knife. “I couldn’t take that guy’s pinko crap any longer,” he said as he was led from the family home in handcuffs. “I hope they have better turkey in prison. Ours was a little dry this year.”
K. Willis Creekstrum of Huntsville, Alabama always fondly recalled April 19, 1923. “I was but a pup,” he’d say with teary eyes, “only ten years old, and I was playing out in front of our house. This was back when pappy lost his job working the mill. We were poor. Back then, most suppers were just porterhouse steaks, only an inch and three-quarters thick, somewhat chewy and without a terribly satisfying beef flavor, caesar salads that were crisp and flavorful but with fresh-grated Parmesan cheese that lacked body and complexity, plus baked potatoes. We were so dirt poor we could only dress those spuds with butter, bacon bits, cheddar cheese and sour cream. No chives at all, we couldn’t afford that kind of fancy garnishment–– can you imagine such a thing?! Dessert would be some fresh strawberry shortcake with whipped cream or chocolate cake and ice cream. Amazing to think our family survived such a meager spread. Anyways, like I say, I was playing out front when I looked down and what do you think I saw on the sidewalk? Well, sir, if you hold your gosh darn horses I’ll tell you. I saw me a shiny penny. As God is my witness, I looked down and there was President Abraham Lincoln, the inventor of Lincoln Logs, looking right up at me and I swear he smiled. Well, sir, I reckon my heart skipped a beat or twelve. I dove on that shiny penny fast– before my brother older Pete saw it. Pete was awful mean, had him a terrible bad temper. He used to ask me how I was feeling and before I could answer, he’d punch me in the stomach, smack a crowbar across my kneecaps and gouge my eyeballs with razor blades. Pete grew up to be a famous psychotic killer. Got his name and picture in all the newspapers. He was the ambitious one in our family, Pete was. Anyway, I took that shiny penny and put it in my pocket and I said right then and there that this is my lucky day and I’ll bet this shiny penny will bring me nothing but good luck all the days of my life.”
How wrong K. Willis Creekstrum was!
Yes, Creekstrum would meet and marry the girl of his dreams, Amanda Hugginstuff, and they would have six beautiful, successful children and 14 beautiful, successful grandchildren and 17 quite attractive, relatively successful great grandchildren and he’d win $58 million in the lottery and be awarded a Pulitzer Prize for a haiku poem he wrote on a Denny’s napkin and a Nobel Peace Prize for handsomeness, but yesterday his luck ran out when he died at age 101.
Relatives at his death bed report that he clutched his now dull “lucky penny” in his right fist and said, “I’ve been cheated! What a damn gyp!”
K. Willis Creekstrum will be buried with his ironic “lucky penny” and as a trumpet plays “Taps” a trombonist will play “Wah Wah Wah!”
Slightly used ballpark available for occupancy in 2017. Still has that “new stadium smell” of hot dogs, popcorn, beer breath.
Built in 1997, this spacious structure harkens back to a simpler time when sports franchises were loyal to their hometown’s downtown. It features a beautiful baseball diamond, cozy pitcher’s mound, meticulously-maintained foul lines, plush bases, tidy home plate, recently-painted outfield fences–– the whole shebang! Must see to appreciate!
FEATURES:
+ Seating for 50,096 of your closest friends
+ Warm, gooey, oozing ‘2009 nacho cheese on tap
+ Rather large screen TV (sorry, lost the remote)
+ Great views of downtown
+ Luxury lofts and parking galore
Act now and make an offer. Must sell– relocating!
We’re in a dealing mood, let’s talk!
The White House has faced extreme media scrutiny and criticism over the failings of the Obamacare website launched last month. Today it held an official press conference to address these concerns.
Spokesman Jay Carney took to the podium with a prepared statement and fielded a barrage of questions from the press corps. Here the some highlights:
+ “Six people registered on the Obamacare website on the first day, which was incredible news. That’s six people more than registered on the previous day. It’s also an amazing accomplishment when you consider the quality of television programming these days.”
+ “Website problems are to be expected. When FDR launched Social Security, I’m sure he had lots of web hiccups. I’m no historian, but I’ll bet FDR Tweeted a lot about his frustrations launching the Social Security site. Tech problems are just part of the game.”
+ “We have been consulting with a guy named Chuck from Geek Squad about fixing the website. We’re pretty confident we’ll be getting the Obamacare website up to snuff soon.”
+ “On the good news front, we’ve developed cutting edge technology that’ll allow us to send out 412 emails a day soliciting funds to support the President.”
I gave Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa my virgin eyes. Yes, it’s true–– I’d never been on the Jackass bus before. What can I say, I’m not an intellectual.
Well, I had great expectations for this movie and it was an enjoyable enough ride. Some good laughs, nice cringe moments and awkwardness abounds.
But what hurt the film was the story’s linear structure: the conceit of a narrative storyline of Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville) taking his eight year-old grandson, Billy (Jackson Nicoll) on a car ride from Nebraska to Raleigh so that the kid’s deadbeat dad can get the bounty of $600/month government dole.
Yes, Knoxville and Nicoll can act and have great chemistry, but why have the artifice of them not knowing they’re both shills to unsuspecting bystanders and playing their characters in character against one another? It didn’t make any sense. Were they trying for poignant emotion in a movie where scrotal humor plays large?
Having this artificial narrative played straight seemed odd. Perhaps the Jackass crew should consider the eternal wisdom of Conan O’Brien who keeps the following advice posted in his office: “Funny man, be funny.”
Oh well, the movie’s making big bucks at the box office, so I’ll just keep my big gob shut.
