Author: PD Scullin

  • The Fine Art of Casting

    It takes some digging to find the right people.
    It takes some digging to find the right people.

    Having been involved with the production of well over four commercials, I believe success starts by casting the right talent. In order to do so, it is up for the creators of the spot to create “casting specs” (or “casting specifications” for those not in the industry).

    What makes good casting specs? A clear knowledge of the character, his/her backstory, dreams and aspirations, food allergies and the like. What follows are some casting specs I wrote for a commercial shoot a few years back. I think you’ll see what I mean…

    The Professor:

    His name is Charles Humbecker, but his friends call him “Charles” and his enemies call him “that no good bastard prick, Charles.”

    He’s the sort of guy you might meet standing in a long line, or at a pot luck supper at your sister-in-law’s. You might see him seated in a crowded stadium watching a baseball game eating a hot dog as if it were a braut, or you might not see him at all if he were hiding in a tree. The point is, he’s that kind of guy.

    He is an intellectual of sorts. Bookwormy. Nebbish. Comfortably tweedy. If he smoked a pipe, his jacket would probably smell of tobacco and have some burn holes in it.

    He’s the kind of guy who looks good wearing a belt.

    As a youngster he probably had some jocks hold him by his feet and invert his head into a toilet bowl for a swirly rinse. He is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge and higher education. He pursued his dream and became a tenured professor at a prestigious college where he has the unique ability to make every minute in his classroom feel like fifteen minutes. His students hate him with a passion only matched by mine for the Air Supply catalog.

    He fancies himself a font of invaluable arcane knowledge and will drone on and on about any and every subject. He has a thirst of knowledge coupled with uncontrollable diarrhea of the mouth–– a deadly combination.

    He is a pompous, officious bore. His age is fifty-plus, metric. He can be tall or he can be short. He could even be two very short people stacked beneath a large overcoat. He can be like Ben Stein, he can be like James Cromwell, he can be like Wally Cox, too. His manner is stilted, his monotone is slow and stiff.

    He likes antiques and hordes cotton candy. His favorite number is 8, but sometimes it’s 3. You know the type, right? He’s that kind of joe who eats green apples and complains that they’re not red delicious.

    The Smart Shopper:

    She is every woman, except much prettier. And her name is Amy Gattersnort.

    She’s thirty-something and conveys bewilderment and confusion as she hears the professor blather on about eating nutritiously. When she leaves the classroom, she has a relieved and comfortable smile. She operates her smile with her lips. Life is suddenly easy thanks to her leaning about how to eat better. Now her cheating husband will be true to her and stop his daylong drinking binges and obnoxious habit of scattering broken glass on the floor. Now her estranged sister will call and apologize for the awful “Cheez Nip Incident.” Now she will finally feel like a natural woman, only more humble and contrite.

    Our Smart Shopper is a woman who can convey the range of emotion from rage to smugness to aggressive ambivalence to total satisfaction. Ain’t she something?!

    Bruiser “The Wonder Dog”:

    Should be a dog, or maybe even cat, of some sort. If the animal could do something wonderful, like talk, juggle or calculate annuities, all the better.

  • Children With Matches

    Have you heard or seen this turd in the bathwater from Mountain Dew? Click and catch it from Ad Age.

    This is yet another example of what happens when brands try to be edgy by giving themselves over to popular figures and hoping to ride a social media wave.

    Well, Mountain Dew, sometimes that wave drowns you. And you deserve every bit of the bad press and ill will it created.

  • Kim Jong Un Demands Supercuts

    The Glorious Leader is tired of his "bowl haircuts"
    The Glorious Leader is tired of his “bowl haircuts

    Ever since he’s taken over the leadership of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has had a bug up his ass about something. He has been cranky and irritable, threatening nuclear destruction, war and total annihilation of the United States and South Korea. Now we know why.

    It’s his hair.

    The Lint Screen had an exclusive interview with Kim Jong Un, the man who millions call “The Greatest Human Who’s Ever Lived And A Even A Little Better Than God” (they say this freely, or they’re imprisoned or killed).

    “I demand the U.S. open some Supercuts in North Korea,” said the agitated dictator. “I am sick and tired of these stupid rice bowl haircuts I’ve been getting ever since I was a kid. They make me look dorky. I’m a cool rock star, baby. I want a shag cut or something more modern. I also want a Dippin’ Dots, a Montgomery Ward’s, a Zenith television set and a vibrating massage chair from Brookstone– I need to unwind after a day of leading my people. Bring me my demands, Obama, or you and your country will suffer my wrath!”

    Your move, Mr. President.

  • N.R.A. Wants Law To Make It Easier To Get Guns

    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea says N.R.A.
    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea for Americans says N.R.A.

    The National Rifle Association is mad!

    The powerful organization is urging lawmakers to pass legislation that will make it much easier for people to acquire guns.

    “It’s ridiculous the hoops we make law abiding Americans jump through to get a weapon,” said an N.R.A. spokesman. “We force people to go to gun shows or even strain themselves by shopping on-line to get their weaponry protected by the Second Amendment. I don’t think our forefathers would stand for such ridiculous restraints coming between freedom lovers and semi-auto weaponry to protect ourselves from evil forces. So we want Congress to pass sensible laws like ‘Take A Gun, Leave A Gun’ that will make it easier for citizens to arm themselves!”

    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is an idea inspired by “take a penny, leave a penny” popular at many convenience stores. Rather than pennies, a basket would be used so that people could leave firearms for others, and take the weapons they need.

    “It just makes sense for there to be a hassle-free way for citizens to arm themselves,” said the N.R.A. spokesman as he slapped a new clip into his Glock. When asked if Take A Gun, Leave A Gun might lead to more convenience store armed robberies, the spokesman became irate. “Look, if the guy or girl behind the counter ain’t packing some heat, what in the blue blazes do they expect?”

  • Death in The Morning

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    Death was lying on the grass. I was out for a morning walk on the beautiful wide walkway running along South Miami Beach, listening to a podcast with headphones on, living in my own space when I was interrupted by death.

    A man’s body, with a sheet not quite covering all of it. The right arm stuck out with the hand upturned and still. Still in an erie way that broadcast one thing: this soul is gone. The bottoms of his feet were also visible, the well worn soles of shoes that will walk no more.

    A fire rescue vehicle was there and an attendant was by the dead man’s side. There was nothing for the fire department paramedic to do. He was waiting, for what I don’t know.

    The dead man was homeless, all his worldly possessions in a plastic bag by his side. Close by, another fire rescue worker was talking with an elderly homeless man, I assume trying to get to the bottom of what happened.

    I didn’t want to stop and gawk at this tragic scene. I kept walking and thought of a life lost. An anonymous dead man covered head to toe by a white sheet with an exposed dead hand reaching up to a beautiful morning blue sky. A fresh day full of possibilities for the living.

    Who was he, this dead man?

    He was someone’s child. What was his story, what were his hopes, dreams, ambitions, joys, disappointments and regrets? Who was he and how did he come to this unglamorous exit on a grassy area by a sidewalk by a beach? What was the life he lived and how was it processed in his head? Was he happy, sad, tortured, haunted or oblivious? Who woud remember him and how would he be remembered?

    I’ll never know. Who could possibly know?

    I walked by. Death in the morning is a hell of a wake up call.

  • April Fool’s Joke Ends Tragically

    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing-- because Chet Woodstrom dead!!!
    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing– because Chet Woodstrom is D-E-A-D!!!

    Tom Mundyfort and Chet Woodstrom had been friends since the age of five, but that friendship ended tragically this morning when Mundyfort shot Woodstrom dead, the unfortunate victim of an April Fool’s Day prank gone awry.

    “We always tried to one up each other,” said a sobbing Mr. Mundyfort handcuffed in the back of a patrol car, “and I guess I one-upped him one too far.”

    Mundyfort explained that last year Mr. Woodstrom had pranked Mr. Mundyfort by throwing a water balloon at him. “He got me good. I was drenched! Well, I told him, I said, ‘Tom, next year I’m going to pay you back but good for getting me wet!’” And this year he did.

    Mundyfort glued a $5 bill on the floor of the office garage by Mr. Woodstrom’s parking spot, then he lay in wait hiding behind the corner. When Mr. Woodstrom pulled into his spot, he got out of his car and spied the $5 bill. The unsuspecting man bent over to pick up the Lincoln when Mr. Mundyfort unleashed his April Fool’s joke– he shot him four times with his Glock.

    “I only meant to wing him in the shoulder,” said a visibly distraught Mundyfort, “but I guess my aim was off and I capped his noggin. Man, I’ll bet he never even saw it coming. It looks like I won but I never wanted to win this way.”

    The police drove off with the gunman to enter the legal system where he will be served a heaping hot dish of justice.